Is it spring yet?

So, it’s been more than a hot minute since I blogged and I’m sorry…. Sort of. 

It’s been a rough one.  But, I feel like it’s always a “rough one.” 

The holidays are a HORRIBLE time for me so getting through them was about all I could do.  I honestly just tried to keep my head up and push through, like I always do.  I didn’t even think about blogging.  (Okay, so that’s a small lie.)

Now, the holidays are over and I’m here.  Things are …. Better.  Sort of. 

I haven’t been reading as much but I met my goal last year of 70 books so that’s fun!

I had my gall bladder taken out in December.  I kept it super low key and just plowed through that as well.  I’m having minor side effects but I’m still slowly introducing foods.  I can’t handle coffee which BREAKS MY HEART and I’m not sure how to get around it.  The surgery went swimmingly well and I had no problems besides dreams about my stomach exploding and super swelling.  I lost 6 pounds so that makes me happy.  But, can I mention how MUCH I MISS COFFEE?????  SO MUCH!!!  Any suggestions?

Oh, and I have problems pooping but no one wants to hear that here.

My birthday came and went, very unexciting.  I was recovering from surgery and feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t really have much else to report.  Still struggling with the struggle.  My depression is better I think but my anxiety is much worse.  I’m all up in my head, all of the time.  Today is a bad, bad day.  I cried on the way to work and then cried again once at work.  I had ice cream for lunch.  I tend to hurt my own feelings (who knew?) a lot when I have high expectations.  I set these expectations and when they don’t come true (I’m not sure how else to say it.), I get all hurt and in my head about it. 

I just want to be normal.  Or, whatever normal is.  I want what everyone else has, but then I have to tell myself that not everything is shiny and as pretty as it appears on social media.  I know there are people out there that would like my life, that I complain about.

The cats are fat and still sassy.  I keep telling myself that I need to cut back on the treats but they are just so dang cute (and demanding). 

I’ve been on the prepping train a lot lately too.  (For those of you who do not know what this is….I’ll gladly inform you hahaha).  It makes me feel somewhat in control and calm.  However, it’s become a bit of an obsession which is never a good thing.  And with the new kung flu crap….I’ve been on overload lately.

The weather in Ohio is KILLING me.  Dreary, cold and rainy for WEEKS.  I’m sure that’s not helping my anxiety/depression.  My doctor has recommended vitamin D which I’ve been taking a few weeks now and it’s not helping.

I cannot get up in the morning to save my life.  Any suggestions on this?  Everyone says it’s the coffee withdraw but it’s been like 2 months now. 

My fibromyalgia is under control, mostly.  I’ve not had any “cake” since my last blog.  Not that it was helping anyway. 

I think that’s about it for now.  I hope all you wonderful readers (all three of you) are doing fantastic.  I’ll try to be better about blogging and sharing my journey!

Forgivness

So, today something happened that I never, ever thought would happen....

Let's flash back a few years ago.  There was a horrible situation here at work, between me and someone I thought was my friend.  Something happened (I honestly have NO idea what it was, promise) and this person who I had been friends with for over 5 years, flipped on me.  Suddenly, we were not longer friends and this person turned most of my department against me.

It was like stepping into an episode of Mean Girls.  No lie.  I felt (and was) very isolated and alone but I kept my head down and did my job.  It was a terrible time for me. 

As you all know, my dad passed away (almost) 3 years ago.  My brother and I were unable to bury my father so money was raised online and at my job.  This person gave a significant amount of money towards the burial of my dad.  I was really stunned by the gift.  My first instinct was to not take the money but my boss/friend convinced me to just take it and bury my dad. 

Flash forward a little more time; this person is moved out of my department.  Huge sigh of relief. 

There was an understanding.  We were nice and polite to each other but kept our respectable distances, her on her side of the floor, me on mine.

Present day:
About a week ago, I got word that her brother was involved in a very brutal beating in her hometown.  I won't go into all the details but it was really "iffy" if her brother would make it through this truly horrific crime.

I was heartbroken for her.  Her and her family.  I can't imagine something happening like this to anyone in my family.  I knew a fundraiser has been placed online to help cover medical expenses and I immediately wrote a check and walked it over to her desk.

I think she was stunned.  She thanked me and left the next morning to go home.

Every night since she's left, I've lit a white candle (for healing) for her brother.  I've kept tabs on updates through a mutual friend (I'm blocked on Facebook). 

The latest update on her brother was that he is off the ventilator, awake and communicating (somewhat) with his family.  She got to fly home yesterday after being able to hug her brother and have him hug her back!  Just a short week ago, they weren't sure he'd even make it through.

This morning, I actually spoke with her.  I made it clear to her that no matter what our differences were, I was here if she needed me and to please reach out for anything at all.  She got tears in her eyes and hugged me.  She said she already knew I'd help and that I'm one of the few who would understand what she was going through.

This was a HUGE moment for me.  HUGE.  I never ever thought we'd get here.  And while we're not friends again...or anything close to how we were, I felt this piece of my heart just heal.  I don't know how to explain it.  I felt really emotional suddenly (we were both holding back tears) and just relieved that it was over. 

I'm not this amazing forgiving person.  At least, I don't think so.  But when I care about you and consider you my friend/framily...that doesn't just stop.  I will try to always be the bigger person and be there for others when I can.  (Sometimes, at the expense of myself....)


I'm not looking for any type of recognition here.  I don't want anyone to think I'm showboating either.  The moral of this story is that life is SUPER DUPER short.  And we never know when people need us.  Or what they're going through or dealing with.  While we may never repair our friendship, she knows I'd help her if she needed it, no matter what.  And that could have healed something in her as well.

Forgiveness is healing.  A small part of me, healed today.

Strong

I met with a dear friend last night who is struggling so hard right now.  She reached out to me, I think in hopes I could give her some advise or maybe help her in some way and I feel like I did NOTHING except sit across from her, staring.

I wish I could heal all my friends and help everyone to feel safe and loved.  It's a sad place we live in when a vast majority of us haven't had that experience.

I've been told several times in the past few months about how "strong" I am.  So, I'm going to use this blog to rid the world of that ridiculous statement.

I am NOT strong.  I'm survived.  There's a difference.  Very few of you have seen my breakdowns and if you have, I apologize.  I'm a MESS.  I've cried, I've screamed, I've crumbled...I have literally just crumbled on the floor in my apartment and sobbed until nothing else came out.  I've avoided (as you can see...since my wages are garnished).  I've just done nothing.  I've literally let my house go to shit, I've had to throw dishes away...I've not showered for like a week.  I hide my pain a lot and just keep moving.  I can name exactly one person who has seen a meltdown and actually physically held me through it.  Most of it, I do alone because hello, breakdowns are embarrassing.

This isn't strength.  I just survive.  I eventually get back up and I try again.  I mean, you just have to.  I don't want to.  And I know for awhile, my friend Lou Lou was super worried I'd hurt myself.  I don't want to be here.  I often wish I wasn't.  But, I am and there's not much I can do about it.  I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that this is probably how I'll feel forever so you just deal with it.

So, if you're out there and you don't feel strong, remember to survive.  Sometimes, that's all you can do.  Let the breakdowns happen, have a meltdown, cry, scream, throw shit, just get it out.  Then wipe your face and handle it.  (I'm totally trying to be better about this hahaha)

People out there love you.  They care about you.  You matter.  Maybe not to yourself - which I TOTALLY understand but evidently, people like us.  It may not get better, but YOU get better.  Stay survived.  Look back at everything you've been through and think of how far you've made it.  How far you've come.

Then, go listen to Truth Hurts by Lizzo and pump yourself up.

And for my friend last night.... I see you.  You matter.  Call that number I gave you.  You won't regret it.

Reach out to your friends.  You have no idea what they're dealing with.  

Chronic Pain and my dad

Yikes!  It's been a lot longer then I thought!  So sorry!!!

So, lately, and I'm sure I've mentioned this...my fibromyalgia has been SO BAD.  It's awful.  I'm not sure why my pain has been going crazy lately.  I know that I don't sleep well most weeks but dang.

And guys, I need to figure out something with my cats.  Onyx likes to sing the song of his people at 3AM and wake up the ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING.  Okay, I might be being dramatic but no one wants to be woke up by a howling cat at 3AM.  And when I'm like "ONYX!!! STFU!!"...he jumps on the bed like "Oh hi mom, I was just singing to my people but since you're awake you can pet me and I will just rub myself all over you.  That's okay right?  Mom?  Mom?"

I know that doesn't help with my pain at all.  It's really imperative that I get some sleep not only to reset my brain but to help my body.

I've also recently started having muscle spams in my hips/legs.  So, that's super duper fun!

I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. #someonepleasehelpme

Medical marijuana update - we will now refer to this as "eating the burrito" so write this down.

I've been "eating the burrito" for 2 days in a row now.  At night.  After work.  No driving or anything involved.  I do not feel 'high' which is good.  It does make me feel mellow and kind of sleepy.  It doesn't really help me sleep though which is a bummer.  (My Xanax helps with that but I won't eat a burrito and take a pill like that.)  I've decided to try to eat the burrito for a week or two, consistently, and see if that helps me at all.  I'm writing it on my planner so I can keep track.  Fingers crossed that relief is coming soon.

So, earlier this month, a girl that I used to work with, came back to work.  I won't mention her name, in case she reads this (I love you friend lol!) but she has been gone awhile....(she quit and came back because she missed me so much hahaha) And we were catching up...she asked me how my dad was.

Talk about a smack in the face.  It took my breath away.  I was like "Well...you know, he died..." She was obviously horrified and very apologetic.  I mean, I get it.  We all can't keep up with everyone's lives.  It was just a real punch in the gut to hear someone ask about my dad.  My brother and I had a good laugh later about how I should have responded (hahaha) but it just made me think about how grief never really goes away.  I loved my dad.  Most of you know this.  But my dad was not an easy man, in the very least.  And the last few years of our "relationship" was tense at best.  I do miss things about him but overall, I just hope he's at peace.  I still feel the loss.  It is a weird sensation to think of yourself without a parent.  And it doesn't help my lonely feeling here, since my mom lives in Florida.

As a side note, I've had a few people (who will also go unnamed) reach out to me to tell me how much my blog has helped them/guided them and how thankful they are for my transparency.  You guys!  No words.  I had almost given up on this little blog and always wonder if my daily posts on Instagram are really seen by anyone (or if we just double tap our friends pictures and keep scrolling).  Messages like that, really help me as well!  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for thinking my little struggle is somewhat inspiring.

We're all in this together, right?  At the end of the day, if I can help just one person feel better or feel like they aren't alone...then I feel like I've done something right with this blog and my Insta posts.  I love hearing other people are struggling (not that I love the struggle), it helps me feel less alone as well.  I also imagine surrounding myself with people who "get it" as well.  Even a few of my friends who don't struggle with the same issues as me, they still support me with infinite love.  And that's with their own struggles!

Keep your heads up everyone!  If I can do this, so can you.

Longer

It seems to get longer and longer between my posts.  Have I lost you guys yet?

Nothing super exciting to update.  I finished my book challenge of reading 50 books this year.  So, I upped it to 75.  The Kindle really helps me read books, faster and just at my fingertips.  Plus, I've found an author that I really enjoy so I'm just devouring her books.

I'm still struggling with my depression/anxiety pretty badly.  I took a short vacation that turned out not to be so great so that hurt.

I also have some news about my fibromyalgia and my struggle there.  It's not all that great news.  I was approved by my doctor (and a specialist) for medical marijuana (it's only legal here in Ohio for about 21 "issues" and fibro is one of them.).  After dropping $189 to see the specialist....who didn't even ask me about my pain...but was super worried about my sex life and possibly getting pregnant will smoking the "pots"....I was approved with the state.  $50 later, I had my card.

My sister in law has been using medical marijuana for about a year now.  With the combination of THC and CBD, Alicia has been able to control her pain (and most symptoms) with her rheumatoid arthritis.  I was really optimistic when I was approved.

I visited a local dispensary here and was very horrified.  Ohio doesn't have anything close to what Florida has. Basically, all we have here is the "flower" (the actual plant).  We do not have vapes, lotions, pills, oil...or anything.  We have pot.  That's basically it. Now, the pot is mixed with some strains of CBD but the main focus here is the marijuana.

Well, if any of you know me at alllllll (which most of you do), I am very anti-drug.  I don't really care if other people do them but they aren't for me.  So, this was a tough decision for me to make.  But if it gives me relief from pain, then I'll give it a whirl.

Welp....it's difficult to find the right "dose" of CBD/THC for me.  And my pain.  It seems the main focus is "getting high" and using the THC.  That's not at all what I want.  I have zero desire to be "high".  The gentleman helping me at the dispensary was very shocked to find this out and seemed VERY surprised that I worked full time.  He recommended some combination of what he thought would work and sent me on my way.

I cried all the way home.  I have since tried the "buckeye relief" (that's honestly what it's called) and it didn't help.  My pain didn't really change and I just feel sleepy and slightly dizzy.  At least I didn't feel high?

I had such hopes (I almost put "high hopes" hahaha) for this.  It's supposed to help so much with pain.  It should even help with my depression and anxiety.  Now, I have $46 worth of "buckeye relief" that didn't do shit.  I don't have the money to replace it, right now.  So, I'm stuck.  Ohio only allows you a 90 day supply (which they supply you) so I'm stuck for 90 days anyway.  Hooray....

I feel very defeated.  I didn't have the money to just waste on this and now I'm stuck....

I'm not sure what the answer is anymore.  I don't sleep well.  I hurt like 75% of the time.  And I'm sad.

I just keep pushing.  That's what I have to do, right?  I don't feel suicidal  I promise.  I just feel sad.  And like I want to sleep for a long time.

I said this blog would be better.  I lied.

This is why I haven't posted.  I was reminded by my friend Steve;that it takes some bravery to be this transparent and he actually misses my posts (I DO NOT SEE HOW).  So, I'll keep writing.

It does feel good to get it out.

Love you guys.

Update - sadness alert

It’s been awhile again and I’m sorry for that.  It’s been a hectic few weeks.

I guess I should fill you all in on what’s been happening.

First – at work – our corporate office was in doing what was called a “deep dive.”  Usually, a deep dive means they’ll be restructuring/fine tuning things.  i.e. making cuts.  It was an intense few days while everyone was here.  Our managers are being very tight lipped about what happened.  We’ve heard a lot of “We’ll see.”  “It wasn’t a blood bath.”  So, essentially, I have no idea what is going to happen; could be nothing.  I’ve been extremely stressed about this and to be honest, I still am. 

Second – my nephew isn’t adjusting well to kindergarten.  The school and his doctor would like him “tested” but that testing costs money that my family doesn’t have right now.  He’s had several meltdowns but things are improving.  Slowly.  Jakson is very smart.  And I’m not just saying this because he’s my nephew.  He can tell you the alphabet, colors and count to 10 in four languages. He can read most basic books, spell basic words, etc.  It’s his behavior that is the issue.  He is extremely OCD.  When his routine changes, or well, anything changes, he can lash out.  He melts down, crying, screaming, etc.  He especially likes to lay himself on the ground/floor and scream “DON’T TOUCH ME!” when you try to get him up.  The teachers/principal are working with him but I’m so worried about him.  I’m worried they are just going to slap a label on him and then he’ll just be another kid with a label and won't get the education he needs or deserves. 

Third – I’m broke. Okay, I have savings.  I have a little leftover money but it’s been extremely stressful lately.  I don’t know that I’ve shared the exact number before but there is about $1200 coming out of my check each month.  I have very little money for extras, outside of what it takes to survive.  I’ve been working on the making the garnishment stop but it’s been a process and another stressful item added to my list. I’ve had to dip into my savings to afford things (like groceries) so that’s not fun.  I just keep telling myself that it’s gonna get better. It’s just taking a little bit of time.

Fourth – I’m very underappreciated at my job.  To the point where it’s effecting my self-esteem.  I come in early, I never call in sick, I stay late if necessary, I do whatever needs done, I get along with everyone….but yet, my raise was a measly 2% and there are people who SLEEP AT THEIR DESK and get away with it. It’s hard to walk away from 21 years, 5 weeks’ vacation, etc.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been looking, around the country even, and nothing. 

Fifth – I have decided I’m not going to foster.  I’ve shed a lot of tears about this and I’m crushed but I’m trying to move forward and be okay with my decision.

I’m extremely depressed, stressed and anxious.  I’m not handling things like I usually do.  I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep, I’m usually wide awake around 2:30 every morning.  My fibromyalgia has been out of control and I’m sure a lot of it is related to stress and not sleeping.  Great time to stop seeing my therapist huh?  (Another thing I cannot afford – thank you insurance.)

I have tried selling things online (mostly Facebook) to help generate some money.  I have no luck.  I’ve been applying for second jobs.  I just keep working at it.

I’ve been exploring a few things that I’m trying out, to change things up but it’s super hard when you’re this depressed. 

So…any hooters….that’s why the long silence. 

A few good things, I’m up to 40 books but haven’t read in about a week.  (This is what happens when I get super depressed, I don’t read.). 

My friend Jetty (yes, her name is Jet) sent me a massage.  How nice is that?  I just have to get in there to get one. Hopefully soon.

My apartment is clean.  Though, recently, I have been labeled the “queen of knick-knacks”, I have scaled back a lot and it made me happy my apartment was so clean.

That’s it.  That’s all I got folks.  I’m down and not coming up any time soon.  I know I have people who care about me and love me.  But, as you all know (from me or reading or similar experiences), depression/anxiety is VERY isolating.  You don’t want to be a bother, you don’t want to be a downer to your friends/loved ones, you know they are sick of listening to you, sick of your problems.  So, you isolate.  You come up with excuses to not leave the house.  You just become comfortable with the sadness.  It will pass eventually right? 

Next post will be better?

Radio Silence

I just realized that I haven't posted in awhile.  So sorry!

I don't have much to update really.

I've told you all about the dentist trips.  I don't go back until September.  For the other half of my deep root cleaning.  I'm actually looking forward to it, as messed up as that sounds.  My teeth are still stain free!!!

I'm at a reading impasse.  I'm at 36 books.  The book I'm reading now is part of a series and I really liked the first book but I'm not digging the second one as much.  So, I think that's why I'm not reading like a crazy person.  I'm determined to make it through this book because I love this author and I really like how she writes.

I've applied for a few part time jobs and nothing has panned out.  That's a little discouraging.  But, I'm trying not to get discouraged.  I'm sure more will come up around the holidays.  (I just hate retail so much.)

I'm still listening to my Prepper PodCast.  I started one today about surviving a Nuclear disaster.  It talks about Chernobyl.  (Which I still recommend on HBO!  It's so good!)  Prepping brings me a lot of peace.  I can't explain it.  I know I'm kind of a nerd about it but I do feel good when I do it.  I've found myself adding a few things to my groceries when I get them. (Walmart pick up for the win!)  Things like canned goods, water, etc.  And I got a new "get home" bag last week that is sturdy and in my car!  And it's my favorite color (orange) which makes me double happy.

Things are very stressful at work.  I haven't discussed it with anyone (and I likely won't) but it's starting to show in my body.  This weekend I had a horrible headache and I'm having spasms in the back part of my head.

I did end up going to the Little Clinic yesterday and I have the start of an ear infection (what the hell?) and the nurse said my headache could be from that or it's the tension I'm carrying in my shoulders/neck area.  It woke me up early Monday morning and I felt like absolute dirt most of yesterday.  I slept better last night (I went to bed super early) and my head doesn't hurt as bad today. Stress is a killer.

Lynn will be visiting in a few weeks so I need to get my spare room cleaned up.  I'm a bit stressed about that. I have a bunch of crafting stuff that it just taking up space.  I need to get rid of half the crap that's in there. I have this weekend to get it done.

I've fallen off my diet wagon.  I've gained back 3 pounds.  But, oh well!  I'm not going to stress about it.  I'll just go back to eating better.

I'm trying super hard not to be down in the dumps.  I'm very stressed and the reaction my body has had (while it shouldn't be surprising) it kind of freaking me out.  I'm usually better at managing stress.

I guess I had more to update then I thought.  You guys still out there?  :)