So, today something happened that I never, ever thought would happen....
Let's flash back a few years ago. There was a horrible situation here at work, between me and someone I thought was my friend. Something happened (I honestly have NO idea what it was, promise) and this person who I had been friends with for over 5 years, flipped on me. Suddenly, we were not longer friends and this person turned most of my department against me.
It was like stepping into an episode of Mean Girls. No lie. I felt (and was) very isolated and alone but I kept my head down and did my job. It was a terrible time for me.
As you all know, my dad passed away (almost) 3 years ago. My brother and I were unable to bury my father so money was raised online and at my job. This person gave a significant amount of money towards the burial of my dad. I was really stunned by the gift. My first instinct was to not take the money but my boss/friend convinced me to just take it and bury my dad.
Flash forward a little more time; this person is moved out of my department. Huge sigh of relief.
There was an understanding. We were nice and polite to each other but kept our respectable distances, her on her side of the floor, me on mine.
Present day:
About a week ago, I got word that her brother was involved in a very brutal beating in her hometown. I won't go into all the details but it was really "iffy" if her brother would make it through this truly horrific crime.
I was heartbroken for her. Her and her family. I can't imagine something happening like this to anyone in my family. I knew a fundraiser has been placed online to help cover medical expenses and I immediately wrote a check and walked it over to her desk.
I think she was stunned. She thanked me and left the next morning to go home.
Every night since she's left, I've lit a white candle (for healing) for her brother. I've kept tabs on updates through a mutual friend (I'm blocked on Facebook).
The latest update on her brother was that he is off the ventilator, awake and communicating (somewhat) with his family. She got to fly home yesterday after being able to hug her brother and have him hug her back! Just a short week ago, they weren't sure he'd even make it through.
This morning, I actually spoke with her. I made it clear to her that no matter what our differences were, I was here if she needed me and to please reach out for anything at all. She got tears in her eyes and hugged me. She said she already knew I'd help and that I'm one of the few who would understand what she was going through.
This was a HUGE moment for me. HUGE. I never ever thought we'd get here. And while we're not friends again...or anything close to how we were, I felt this piece of my heart just heal. I don't know how to explain it. I felt really emotional suddenly (we were both holding back tears) and just relieved that it was over.
I'm not this amazing forgiving person. At least, I don't think so. But when I care about you and consider you my friend/framily...that doesn't just stop. I will try to always be the bigger person and be there for others when I can. (Sometimes, at the expense of myself....)
I'm not looking for any type of recognition here. I don't want anyone to think I'm showboating either. The moral of this story is that life is SUPER DUPER short. And we never know when people need us. Or what they're going through or dealing with. While we may never repair our friendship, she knows I'd help her if she needed it, no matter what. And that could have healed something in her as well.
Forgiveness is healing. A small part of me, healed today.
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Strong
I met with a dear friend last night who is struggling so hard right now. She reached out to me, I think in hopes I could give her some advise or maybe help her in some way and I feel like I did NOTHING except sit across from her, staring.
I wish I could heal all my friends and help everyone to feel safe and loved. It's a sad place we live in when a vast majority of us haven't had that experience.
I've been told several times in the past few months about how "strong" I am. So, I'm going to use this blog to rid the world of that ridiculous statement.
I am NOT strong. I'm survived. There's a difference. Very few of you have seen my breakdowns and if you have, I apologize. I'm a MESS. I've cried, I've screamed, I've crumbled...I have literally just crumbled on the floor in my apartment and sobbed until nothing else came out. I've avoided (as you can see...since my wages are garnished). I've just done nothing. I've literally let my house go to shit, I've had to throw dishes away...I've not showered for like a week. I hide my pain a lot and just keep moving. I can name exactly one person who has seen a meltdown and actually physically held me through it. Most of it, I do alone because hello, breakdowns are embarrassing.
This isn't strength. I just survive. I eventually get back up and I try again. I mean, you just have to. I don't want to. And I know for awhile, my friend Lou Lou was super worried I'd hurt myself. I don't want to be here. I often wish I wasn't. But, I am and there's not much I can do about it. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that this is probably how I'll feel forever so you just deal with it.
So, if you're out there and you don't feel strong, remember to survive. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Let the breakdowns happen, have a meltdown, cry, scream, throw shit, just get it out. Then wipe your face and handle it. (I'm totally trying to be better about this hahaha)
People out there love you. They care about you. You matter. Maybe not to yourself - which I TOTALLY understand but evidently, people like us. It may not get better, but YOU get better. Stay survived. Look back at everything you've been through and think of how far you've made it. How far you've come.
Then, go listen to Truth Hurts by Lizzo and pump yourself up.
And for my friend last night.... I see you. You matter. Call that number I gave you. You won't regret it.
Reach out to your friends. You have no idea what they're dealing with.
I wish I could heal all my friends and help everyone to feel safe and loved. It's a sad place we live in when a vast majority of us haven't had that experience.
I've been told several times in the past few months about how "strong" I am. So, I'm going to use this blog to rid the world of that ridiculous statement.
I am NOT strong. I'm survived. There's a difference. Very few of you have seen my breakdowns and if you have, I apologize. I'm a MESS. I've cried, I've screamed, I've crumbled...I have literally just crumbled on the floor in my apartment and sobbed until nothing else came out. I've avoided (as you can see...since my wages are garnished). I've just done nothing. I've literally let my house go to shit, I've had to throw dishes away...I've not showered for like a week. I hide my pain a lot and just keep moving. I can name exactly one person who has seen a meltdown and actually physically held me through it. Most of it, I do alone because hello, breakdowns are embarrassing.
This isn't strength. I just survive. I eventually get back up and I try again. I mean, you just have to. I don't want to. And I know for awhile, my friend Lou Lou was super worried I'd hurt myself. I don't want to be here. I often wish I wasn't. But, I am and there's not much I can do about it. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that this is probably how I'll feel forever so you just deal with it.
So, if you're out there and you don't feel strong, remember to survive. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Let the breakdowns happen, have a meltdown, cry, scream, throw shit, just get it out. Then wipe your face and handle it. (I'm totally trying to be better about this hahaha)
People out there love you. They care about you. You matter. Maybe not to yourself - which I TOTALLY understand but evidently, people like us. It may not get better, but YOU get better. Stay survived. Look back at everything you've been through and think of how far you've made it. How far you've come.
Then, go listen to Truth Hurts by Lizzo and pump yourself up.
And for my friend last night.... I see you. You matter. Call that number I gave you. You won't regret it.
Reach out to your friends. You have no idea what they're dealing with.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Chronic Pain and my dad
Yikes! It's been a lot longer then I thought! So sorry!!!
So, lately, and I'm sure I've mentioned this...my fibromyalgia has been SO BAD. It's awful. I'm not sure why my pain has been going crazy lately. I know that I don't sleep well most weeks but dang.
And guys, I need to figure out something with my cats. Onyx likes to sing the song of his people at 3AM and wake up the ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING. Okay, I might be being dramatic but no one wants to be woke up by a howling cat at 3AM. And when I'm like "ONYX!!! STFU!!"...he jumps on the bed like "Oh hi mom, I was just singing to my people but since you're awake you can pet me and I will just rub myself all over you. That's okay right? Mom? Mom?"
I know that doesn't help with my pain at all. It's really imperative that I get some sleep not only to reset my brain but to help my body.
I've also recently started having muscle spams in my hips/legs. So, that's super duper fun!
I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. #someonepleasehelpme
Medical marijuana update - we will now refer to this as "eating the burrito" so write this down.
I've been "eating the burrito" for 2 days in a row now. At night. After work. No driving or anything involved. I do not feel 'high' which is good. It does make me feel mellow and kind of sleepy. It doesn't really help me sleep though which is a bummer. (My Xanax helps with that but I won't eat a burrito and take a pill like that.) I've decided to try to eat the burrito for a week or two, consistently, and see if that helps me at all. I'm writing it on my planner so I can keep track. Fingers crossed that relief is coming soon.
So, earlier this month, a girl that I used to work with, came back to work. I won't mention her name, in case she reads this (I love you friend lol!) but she has been gone awhile....(she quit and came back because she missed me so much hahaha) And we were catching up...she asked me how my dad was.
Talk about a smack in the face. It took my breath away. I was like "Well...you know, he died..." She was obviously horrified and very apologetic. I mean, I get it. We all can't keep up with everyone's lives. It was just a real punch in the gut to hear someone ask about my dad. My brother and I had a good laugh later about how I should have responded (hahaha) but it just made me think about how grief never really goes away. I loved my dad. Most of you know this. But my dad was not an easy man, in the very least. And the last few years of our "relationship" was tense at best. I do miss things about him but overall, I just hope he's at peace. I still feel the loss. It is a weird sensation to think of yourself without a parent. And it doesn't help my lonely feeling here, since my mom lives in Florida.
As a side note, I've had a few people (who will also go unnamed) reach out to me to tell me how much my blog has helped them/guided them and how thankful they are for my transparency. You guys! No words. I had almost given up on this little blog and always wonder if my daily posts on Instagram are really seen by anyone (or if we just double tap our friends pictures and keep scrolling). Messages like that, really help me as well! Thank you for reading. Thank you for thinking my little struggle is somewhat inspiring.
We're all in this together, right? At the end of the day, if I can help just one person feel better or feel like they aren't alone...then I feel like I've done something right with this blog and my Insta posts. I love hearing other people are struggling (not that I love the struggle), it helps me feel less alone as well. I also imagine surrounding myself with people who "get it" as well. Even a few of my friends who don't struggle with the same issues as me, they still support me with infinite love. And that's with their own struggles!
Keep your heads up everyone! If I can do this, so can you.
So, lately, and I'm sure I've mentioned this...my fibromyalgia has been SO BAD. It's awful. I'm not sure why my pain has been going crazy lately. I know that I don't sleep well most weeks but dang.
And guys, I need to figure out something with my cats. Onyx likes to sing the song of his people at 3AM and wake up the ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING. Okay, I might be being dramatic but no one wants to be woke up by a howling cat at 3AM. And when I'm like "ONYX!!! STFU!!"...he jumps on the bed like "Oh hi mom, I was just singing to my people but since you're awake you can pet me and I will just rub myself all over you. That's okay right? Mom? Mom?"
I know that doesn't help with my pain at all. It's really imperative that I get some sleep not only to reset my brain but to help my body.
I've also recently started having muscle spams in my hips/legs. So, that's super duper fun!
I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. #someonepleasehelpme
Medical marijuana update - we will now refer to this as "eating the burrito" so write this down.
I've been "eating the burrito" for 2 days in a row now. At night. After work. No driving or anything involved. I do not feel 'high' which is good. It does make me feel mellow and kind of sleepy. It doesn't really help me sleep though which is a bummer. (My Xanax helps with that but I won't eat a burrito and take a pill like that.) I've decided to try to eat the burrito for a week or two, consistently, and see if that helps me at all. I'm writing it on my planner so I can keep track. Fingers crossed that relief is coming soon.
So, earlier this month, a girl that I used to work with, came back to work. I won't mention her name, in case she reads this (I love you friend lol!) but she has been gone awhile....(she quit and came back because she missed me so much hahaha) And we were catching up...she asked me how my dad was.
Talk about a smack in the face. It took my breath away. I was like "Well...you know, he died..." She was obviously horrified and very apologetic. I mean, I get it. We all can't keep up with everyone's lives. It was just a real punch in the gut to hear someone ask about my dad. My brother and I had a good laugh later about how I should have responded (hahaha) but it just made me think about how grief never really goes away. I loved my dad. Most of you know this. But my dad was not an easy man, in the very least. And the last few years of our "relationship" was tense at best. I do miss things about him but overall, I just hope he's at peace. I still feel the loss. It is a weird sensation to think of yourself without a parent. And it doesn't help my lonely feeling here, since my mom lives in Florida.
As a side note, I've had a few people (who will also go unnamed) reach out to me to tell me how much my blog has helped them/guided them and how thankful they are for my transparency. You guys! No words. I had almost given up on this little blog and always wonder if my daily posts on Instagram are really seen by anyone (or if we just double tap our friends pictures and keep scrolling). Messages like that, really help me as well! Thank you for reading. Thank you for thinking my little struggle is somewhat inspiring.
We're all in this together, right? At the end of the day, if I can help just one person feel better or feel like they aren't alone...then I feel like I've done something right with this blog and my Insta posts. I love hearing other people are struggling (not that I love the struggle), it helps me feel less alone as well. I also imagine surrounding myself with people who "get it" as well. Even a few of my friends who don't struggle with the same issues as me, they still support me with infinite love. And that's with their own struggles!
Keep your heads up everyone! If I can do this, so can you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)