Longer

It seems to get longer and longer between my posts.  Have I lost you guys yet?

Nothing super exciting to update.  I finished my book challenge of reading 50 books this year.  So, I upped it to 75.  The Kindle really helps me read books, faster and just at my fingertips.  Plus, I've found an author that I really enjoy so I'm just devouring her books.

I'm still struggling with my depression/anxiety pretty badly.  I took a short vacation that turned out not to be so great so that hurt.

I also have some news about my fibromyalgia and my struggle there.  It's not all that great news.  I was approved by my doctor (and a specialist) for medical marijuana (it's only legal here in Ohio for about 21 "issues" and fibro is one of them.).  After dropping $189 to see the specialist....who didn't even ask me about my pain...but was super worried about my sex life and possibly getting pregnant will smoking the "pots"....I was approved with the state.  $50 later, I had my card.

My sister in law has been using medical marijuana for about a year now.  With the combination of THC and CBD, Alicia has been able to control her pain (and most symptoms) with her rheumatoid arthritis.  I was really optimistic when I was approved.

I visited a local dispensary here and was very horrified.  Ohio doesn't have anything close to what Florida has. Basically, all we have here is the "flower" (the actual plant).  We do not have vapes, lotions, pills, oil...or anything.  We have pot.  That's basically it. Now, the pot is mixed with some strains of CBD but the main focus here is the marijuana.

Well, if any of you know me at alllllll (which most of you do), I am very anti-drug.  I don't really care if other people do them but they aren't for me.  So, this was a tough decision for me to make.  But if it gives me relief from pain, then I'll give it a whirl.

Welp....it's difficult to find the right "dose" of CBD/THC for me.  And my pain.  It seems the main focus is "getting high" and using the THC.  That's not at all what I want.  I have zero desire to be "high".  The gentleman helping me at the dispensary was very shocked to find this out and seemed VERY surprised that I worked full time.  He recommended some combination of what he thought would work and sent me on my way.

I cried all the way home.  I have since tried the "buckeye relief" (that's honestly what it's called) and it didn't help.  My pain didn't really change and I just feel sleepy and slightly dizzy.  At least I didn't feel high?

I had such hopes (I almost put "high hopes" hahaha) for this.  It's supposed to help so much with pain.  It should even help with my depression and anxiety.  Now, I have $46 worth of "buckeye relief" that didn't do shit.  I don't have the money to replace it, right now.  So, I'm stuck.  Ohio only allows you a 90 day supply (which they supply you) so I'm stuck for 90 days anyway.  Hooray....

I feel very defeated.  I didn't have the money to just waste on this and now I'm stuck....

I'm not sure what the answer is anymore.  I don't sleep well.  I hurt like 75% of the time.  And I'm sad.

I just keep pushing.  That's what I have to do, right?  I don't feel suicidal  I promise.  I just feel sad.  And like I want to sleep for a long time.

I said this blog would be better.  I lied.

This is why I haven't posted.  I was reminded by my friend Steve;that it takes some bravery to be this transparent and he actually misses my posts (I DO NOT SEE HOW).  So, I'll keep writing.

It does feel good to get it out.

Love you guys.

Dentist - Part 2

I went back to the dentist on Wednesday for a "deep gum" cleaning.  And I DID NOT CRY!!!!  Read it again, I DID NOT CRY.  I took some anxiety medicine and went to my appointment.  The root cleaning wasn't as bad as I thought it would be which was nice.  The dental hygienist has kind of adopted me and she's so amazing.  She took some stains off my teeth that I was SUPER self conscience about.

My teeth are clean! I have no stains!  This lifted my self esteem so much!!!  Monica (the hygienist) was very excited about it.  My dentist, Dr. Erik, said my gums look better, my extraction site is healing nicely and I go back in September.

It was a great visit!  Very big accomplishment for me!  I'm proud of myself.

I'm a little ashamed to say that I fell off the diet wagon this week but I don't even care.  It's been a rough week (work) and I like to eat comfort foods when I'm stressed and hurting.

My fibro however, is out of control.  I've been in pain at least 3-4 days this week and today is awful.  I'm grumpy and just want to go back home.

I'm struggling through.  Depression is bad lately but that's not new and you guys are probably really tired of hearing about that.

I'm 35 books into 50!  Super proud about that too!

Not much else to report.  Just the usual stuff.  Work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat.  :)

I hope you all are still reading!

Dentist

Who else is afraid of the dentist?  Are you afraid like I am?  Like, almost having a panic attack going?

Yes, I do almost have a panic attack!  It's really ridiculous.  Yesterday, I had to have a tooth pulled.  I thought I'd be fine, I went in thinking this won't be so bad.  By the end, I had to sit in the chair (with his assistant watching me) until my legs stopped shaking.  I, literally, cried the entire time he was in the room.

My dentist is the worlds nicest man.  He's never made me feel bad about my teeth.  He explains everything.  He's very gentle.  I just have a melt down every time I go there.

So, my tooth is now gone (you can't see it unless I show you) and I have this giant open wound in my mouth.  And I really did almost have a panic attack yesterday.  I was crying (silently because his big hands were in my mouth) and shaking so hard.  I did the 5-4-3-2-1 coping thing (for anxiety) and it seemed to help some. It really helped when I was able to get the hell out of there.

Not much else to report really.  It's been fairly status quo.

I'm up to 33 books out of 50.  (Granted, I will admit, I did not finish one of them.  It was terrible.  I made it to chapter 21 (they were short chapters) and called it.)  I'm very excited about that.  I haven't read this much in yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrssssssssss.

My prepping (for the dreaded zombie apocalypse) is going well.  For some reason, I find it very calming and I feel so relieved when I've done something.  On Amazon Prime day, I found an ahhh-mazing deal on Life Straws so I was able to get those.  I've been wanting them!  Do you guys think I'm a lunatic?  I have a small corner in my bedroom that's full of supplies and water.  And a backpack in my car.  I'm not done but I feel like I've made a really good start.

I'm down 9 pounds.  I'm VERY excited about that.  But, after having my tooth pulled, I have to be on mostly soft foods for a few days so I might not eat the best (cottage cheese! and mashed potatoes!).  I'm being a big wimp about this tooth pull but oh well.  I'm allowed.

It's hotter then the surface of the sun here.  Seriously, it feels like a sweaty armpit outside that's a million degrees.  So, I'm sure I'll be reading more this weekend.

Any book recommendations?

I don't really feel that my depression or anxiety is really any better or any worse.  I had a moment a few nights ago where I cried for awhile but I got over it.  I guess, the best I can.  I'm still constantly tired.  And I can't figure out why.  It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, I'm tired.

I've had a few days of really bad fibro pain this week as well.  I wish I could get that under control.  My hips hurt so bad on Wednesday, I was almost in tears.

It's been a not so great week but you'll have that.

Is anyone still reading?  :)

Stay cool!