Longer

It seems to get longer and longer between my posts.  Have I lost you guys yet?

Nothing super exciting to update.  I finished my book challenge of reading 50 books this year.  So, I upped it to 75.  The Kindle really helps me read books, faster and just at my fingertips.  Plus, I've found an author that I really enjoy so I'm just devouring her books.

I'm still struggling with my depression/anxiety pretty badly.  I took a short vacation that turned out not to be so great so that hurt.

I also have some news about my fibromyalgia and my struggle there.  It's not all that great news.  I was approved by my doctor (and a specialist) for medical marijuana (it's only legal here in Ohio for about 21 "issues" and fibro is one of them.).  After dropping $189 to see the specialist....who didn't even ask me about my pain...but was super worried about my sex life and possibly getting pregnant will smoking the "pots"....I was approved with the state.  $50 later, I had my card.

My sister in law has been using medical marijuana for about a year now.  With the combination of THC and CBD, Alicia has been able to control her pain (and most symptoms) with her rheumatoid arthritis.  I was really optimistic when I was approved.

I visited a local dispensary here and was very horrified.  Ohio doesn't have anything close to what Florida has. Basically, all we have here is the "flower" (the actual plant).  We do not have vapes, lotions, pills, oil...or anything.  We have pot.  That's basically it. Now, the pot is mixed with some strains of CBD but the main focus here is the marijuana.

Well, if any of you know me at alllllll (which most of you do), I am very anti-drug.  I don't really care if other people do them but they aren't for me.  So, this was a tough decision for me to make.  But if it gives me relief from pain, then I'll give it a whirl.

Welp....it's difficult to find the right "dose" of CBD/THC for me.  And my pain.  It seems the main focus is "getting high" and using the THC.  That's not at all what I want.  I have zero desire to be "high".  The gentleman helping me at the dispensary was very shocked to find this out and seemed VERY surprised that I worked full time.  He recommended some combination of what he thought would work and sent me on my way.

I cried all the way home.  I have since tried the "buckeye relief" (that's honestly what it's called) and it didn't help.  My pain didn't really change and I just feel sleepy and slightly dizzy.  At least I didn't feel high?

I had such hopes (I almost put "high hopes" hahaha) for this.  It's supposed to help so much with pain.  It should even help with my depression and anxiety.  Now, I have $46 worth of "buckeye relief" that didn't do shit.  I don't have the money to replace it, right now.  So, I'm stuck.  Ohio only allows you a 90 day supply (which they supply you) so I'm stuck for 90 days anyway.  Hooray....

I feel very defeated.  I didn't have the money to just waste on this and now I'm stuck....

I'm not sure what the answer is anymore.  I don't sleep well.  I hurt like 75% of the time.  And I'm sad.

I just keep pushing.  That's what I have to do, right?  I don't feel suicidal  I promise.  I just feel sad.  And like I want to sleep for a long time.

I said this blog would be better.  I lied.

This is why I haven't posted.  I was reminded by my friend Steve;that it takes some bravery to be this transparent and he actually misses my posts (I DO NOT SEE HOW).  So, I'll keep writing.

It does feel good to get it out.

Love you guys.

Radio Silence

I just realized that I haven't posted in awhile.  So sorry!

I don't have much to update really.

I've told you all about the dentist trips.  I don't go back until September.  For the other half of my deep root cleaning.  I'm actually looking forward to it, as messed up as that sounds.  My teeth are still stain free!!!

I'm at a reading impasse.  I'm at 36 books.  The book I'm reading now is part of a series and I really liked the first book but I'm not digging the second one as much.  So, I think that's why I'm not reading like a crazy person.  I'm determined to make it through this book because I love this author and I really like how she writes.

I've applied for a few part time jobs and nothing has panned out.  That's a little discouraging.  But, I'm trying not to get discouraged.  I'm sure more will come up around the holidays.  (I just hate retail so much.)

I'm still listening to my Prepper PodCast.  I started one today about surviving a Nuclear disaster.  It talks about Chernobyl.  (Which I still recommend on HBO!  It's so good!)  Prepping brings me a lot of peace.  I can't explain it.  I know I'm kind of a nerd about it but I do feel good when I do it.  I've found myself adding a few things to my groceries when I get them. (Walmart pick up for the win!)  Things like canned goods, water, etc.  And I got a new "get home" bag last week that is sturdy and in my car!  And it's my favorite color (orange) which makes me double happy.

Things are very stressful at work.  I haven't discussed it with anyone (and I likely won't) but it's starting to show in my body.  This weekend I had a horrible headache and I'm having spasms in the back part of my head.

I did end up going to the Little Clinic yesterday and I have the start of an ear infection (what the hell?) and the nurse said my headache could be from that or it's the tension I'm carrying in my shoulders/neck area.  It woke me up early Monday morning and I felt like absolute dirt most of yesterday.  I slept better last night (I went to bed super early) and my head doesn't hurt as bad today. Stress is a killer.

Lynn will be visiting in a few weeks so I need to get my spare room cleaned up.  I'm a bit stressed about that. I have a bunch of crafting stuff that it just taking up space.  I need to get rid of half the crap that's in there. I have this weekend to get it done.

I've fallen off my diet wagon.  I've gained back 3 pounds.  But, oh well!  I'm not going to stress about it.  I'll just go back to eating better.

I'm trying super hard not to be down in the dumps.  I'm very stressed and the reaction my body has had (while it shouldn't be surprising) it kind of freaking me out.  I'm usually better at managing stress.

I guess I had more to update then I thought.  You guys still out there?  :)

Dentist - Part 2

I went back to the dentist on Wednesday for a "deep gum" cleaning.  And I DID NOT CRY!!!!  Read it again, I DID NOT CRY.  I took some anxiety medicine and went to my appointment.  The root cleaning wasn't as bad as I thought it would be which was nice.  The dental hygienist has kind of adopted me and she's so amazing.  She took some stains off my teeth that I was SUPER self conscience about.

My teeth are clean! I have no stains!  This lifted my self esteem so much!!!  Monica (the hygienist) was very excited about it.  My dentist, Dr. Erik, said my gums look better, my extraction site is healing nicely and I go back in September.

It was a great visit!  Very big accomplishment for me!  I'm proud of myself.

I'm a little ashamed to say that I fell off the diet wagon this week but I don't even care.  It's been a rough week (work) and I like to eat comfort foods when I'm stressed and hurting.

My fibro however, is out of control.  I've been in pain at least 3-4 days this week and today is awful.  I'm grumpy and just want to go back home.

I'm struggling through.  Depression is bad lately but that's not new and you guys are probably really tired of hearing about that.

I'm 35 books into 50!  Super proud about that too!

Not much else to report.  Just the usual stuff.  Work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat.  :)

I hope you all are still reading!

Dentist

Who else is afraid of the dentist?  Are you afraid like I am?  Like, almost having a panic attack going?

Yes, I do almost have a panic attack!  It's really ridiculous.  Yesterday, I had to have a tooth pulled.  I thought I'd be fine, I went in thinking this won't be so bad.  By the end, I had to sit in the chair (with his assistant watching me) until my legs stopped shaking.  I, literally, cried the entire time he was in the room.

My dentist is the worlds nicest man.  He's never made me feel bad about my teeth.  He explains everything.  He's very gentle.  I just have a melt down every time I go there.

So, my tooth is now gone (you can't see it unless I show you) and I have this giant open wound in my mouth.  And I really did almost have a panic attack yesterday.  I was crying (silently because his big hands were in my mouth) and shaking so hard.  I did the 5-4-3-2-1 coping thing (for anxiety) and it seemed to help some. It really helped when I was able to get the hell out of there.

Not much else to report really.  It's been fairly status quo.

I'm up to 33 books out of 50.  (Granted, I will admit, I did not finish one of them.  It was terrible.  I made it to chapter 21 (they were short chapters) and called it.)  I'm very excited about that.  I haven't read this much in yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrssssssssss.

My prepping (for the dreaded zombie apocalypse) is going well.  For some reason, I find it very calming and I feel so relieved when I've done something.  On Amazon Prime day, I found an ahhh-mazing deal on Life Straws so I was able to get those.  I've been wanting them!  Do you guys think I'm a lunatic?  I have a small corner in my bedroom that's full of supplies and water.  And a backpack in my car.  I'm not done but I feel like I've made a really good start.

I'm down 9 pounds.  I'm VERY excited about that.  But, after having my tooth pulled, I have to be on mostly soft foods for a few days so I might not eat the best (cottage cheese! and mashed potatoes!).  I'm being a big wimp about this tooth pull but oh well.  I'm allowed.

It's hotter then the surface of the sun here.  Seriously, it feels like a sweaty armpit outside that's a million degrees.  So, I'm sure I'll be reading more this weekend.

Any book recommendations?

I don't really feel that my depression or anxiety is really any better or any worse.  I had a moment a few nights ago where I cried for awhile but I got over it.  I guess, the best I can.  I'm still constantly tired.  And I can't figure out why.  It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, I'm tired.

I've had a few days of really bad fibro pain this week as well.  I wish I could get that under control.  My hips hurt so bad on Wednesday, I was almost in tears.

It's been a not so great week but you'll have that.

Is anyone still reading?  :)

Stay cool!

Post weekend update

Why is it so hot?  I mean, honestly.  Why does it feel like you're going to melt the moment you step outside?

I'd really like to move someplace it's 75 every day.  Does such place exist?

Anywho, this weekend was fun!  All things Stranger Things and hanging out with my girlies.  We had our usual Target/Starbucks trip before starting the fun.  (It's tradition that when we're together, we Target it up!)  I got some new pajamas that are super comfy.  We listened to 80's music and had Taco Bell (which was very retro though it's Taco Bell.)

We watched 4 episodes before breaking for a long trek to the mall and then pizza for dinner.  YUM!!  We watched 2 more episodes before crashing out into dreams about monsters and the upside down.  It was a lot of fun.  We had cookies too!  We never got around to eating our Eggo's but we had plenty of cookies, Coke and pizza to full us up!

Yesterday, I cleaned up my car and then lounged around with my kitties.  (After having a minor heat stroke from pulling a few things from my car and cleaning the windows.  It legit took me an hour to stop sweating)

I completed my reading challenge of 25 books!  That's exciting and made me feel really accomplished.  I've bumped it up for 50 for the year.  Let's see if I can do it!

I didn't lose any weight from last week but considering how much crap junk I ate over the weekend, that's okay.  I didn't gain either!  Holding steady at 8 pounds lost!!! I'll work on doing better this week.

I plan to clean more/purge this weekend.  It's almost too hot to be outside.  So spending the weekend purging and cleaning sounds good actually.  My goal is to work on my spare room.  Then I'll feel like I'm done.

Small goals.  My sister keeps harping (love you) on setting goals for myself so I've been doing that with my cleaning/purging, weight loss and reading challenge.  It feels REALLY good to cross things off my list.

I've also been packing my lunch (for work) and eating at home, to help with my money stuff.  That's a big goal with small steps right now.

I started doing something else that I'm a little embarrassed to talk about.  It seems silly to talk about and I've been getting a lot of strange looks from a few friends (mostly people at work that hear us talk about it.)  I've been prepping.

Does anyone else do this?  I've noticed over the past few weeks, it's become kind of an obsession of sorts.  The guys at work are really big into prepping and I guess a "girl" has joined the band wagon.  I have a small stash at home and I made a BOB (bug out bag) for my car.  It's more like an emergency kit in case I'm stranded somewhere.

I found a pod cast called Casual Preppers that is super informative and makes me feel less crazy.  I've listened to 4 shows so far and it feels like I'm on the right track.  I'll never be one of those people who has a underground bunker (though...how cool would that be?) or gas masks....but it makes me feel good to know that I'm preparing myself in case SHTF (shit hits the fan) or I need to be prepared for no power or whatever due to natural stuff.  The 2 earthquakes in California scared me to death (my good friend Yoda (that's my nickname for him), is fine!) and they say tornado valley is shifting again, more towards Ohio.  Which, I think we all can see that since Dayton was slammed so hard at the end of May.

Thoughts on this?  Does anyone else do this?  Any suggestions?  I'm really not crazy.  I promise. I would also like to point out that this is my friend Sarah Jo's fault.  She started this crazy train and I just purchased the ticket.

I feel good people.  For the first time in awhile.  I'm trying to ride this emotion for as long as I can.