Ho-Hum

I could sit here and lie to you and tell you I had the most amazing vacation ever and came back (again) refreshed and relaxed.

That isn't the case.  Vacation was okay.  It was boring (mostly) (no offense to my family) but it was nice to spend time with everyone.  I read another like 4-5 books.  So, I have 2 more books and I'll have met my 25 books (for the year) goal! 

Saturday was rough.  My friend overslept and didn't get me a the airport for about 2 hours after I landed.  I'm not mad, it happens.  But it was a reminder of how alone I am here.  I sat outside the airport, on a bench, just crying.  I had no one to call, I just had to wait.  Adrienne offered to drive down from Columbus but I wasn't about to let her do that.  It's a 2 hour drive and she was spending time with her family.  I was exhausted (no more 6AM flights for me) and just really emotional.  It did hit me in my gut though.  No one to call is a terrifying and lonely thing.  I racked my brain but no one came to mind.  Audra was with Adrienne.  Alyson was with her family/horses and I'd have to pay her gas.  Everyone else has a family and their own stuff and I don't feel right calling people away.  So, I waited.  Eventually, she showed and was very apologetic (and again, I'm not mad).  It happens.

I HATE HATE HATE depending on people.  It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like a burden.  I'll be driving myself to the airport from now on (one more flight this year) and I'll pay the outrageous fee to keep my car there.

I miss my family.  A lot.  It's hard being the only one here.  But, I also know that my job is here and it probably isn't the greatest idea for me to just move.  (Family differences)  I did look for some jobs FL and that seems to be a bust.  I can work anywhere, right?  Yeah, if I want to make $9 an hour. I don't have a college degree and my experience doesn't seem to matter.  And it would be very hard to find a job there, living 900+ miles away.

Trauma therapy was awful yesterday.  Most already know but my nephews infant son passed unexpectedly yesterday (they suspect SIDS) so I was already emotional and then replaying my mood over the past few weeks...I sobbed through the entire session. 

In light of what happened with baby Elias, my complaints about my life seem very small and insignificant.  I feel bad just writing them out.

Carrie reminded me that I shouldn't minimize my own feelings though.

I'm just tired.  I hate being this way.  I hate that I'm sad/depressed.  I hate taking medicine.  I hate seeing a therapist.  I hate trying all the damn time.  I don't feel like there is a lot of hope in my life and I just exist to work and take care of my cats.  I feel like the only people who would truly miss me if I was gone is my job (and a very small handful of people).  Logically, I know more people would miss me but it doesn't feel that way. 

I don't feel like therapy is helping.  At least, not trauma therapy.  It feels generic and artificial.  We're working on my moods and coping with day to day stuff instead of the trauma side.  I already had a therapist for my day to day stuff. 

I'm isolating myself.  It's just a natural thing for me anymore.  I just keep to myself.  I do my stuff during the week (work, errands, being personable) and then I just shut down on the weekends.  I have plans next weekend (which I'm actually looking forward to) and my mind is going 900 miles an hour about it and trying to figure out how to not do it. 

I remember when things felt normal.  When my life felt mostly put together.  When I did other things besides exist.  I had a full schedule all the time.  Now, I write down appointments in my planner and that's it.  I'm like an 80 year old lady.  An 80 year old lady who owns a Kindle and 2 cats. 

I was reminded again yesterday about keeping a "gratitude" journal or writing down my small accomplishments.  That's hard to do when you feel this way.  I did get a 2% raise when I got back from vacation.  And I didn't gain any weight while I was gone.  (I didn't lose either but that's okay.)  Yay....2 small accomplishments.

I know I've said this before but you guys HAVE TO BE TIRED of hearing this stuff.  I appreciate you guys all reading (if you still are) and you know...that mushy stuff.

Tune in soon for more from the depression files.

My dad

Well, today is father's day and it's the 2nd one that I haven't had my dad.  I have a lot of thoughts around this day and it seems I have so many more now that he's gone.

My dad and I weren't on speaking terms when he died.  I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we spoke.  I know we texted and whatever but ... I couldn't tell you.  I have to live with that.

My dad wasn't the nicest man.  Not even close.  And in the almost 10 years that I was his legal guardian, he made my life mostly miserable.  We did have a few good times and I try to hold those close when I think about him.

James and I struggle a lot with dads death and I think it's mostly because we have a lot of trauma that stem from this man.  I cannot even begin to tell you what kind of trauma TK has.  But, that's her story to tell.

I had/have some pretty amazing father figures in my life.  My mother's father for one.  He always got the mushy "dad" cards.  And he stood in a lot as a dad, when he didn't have to.  I have a "work dad" that even though he's retired, if I called him right now, he'd answer and do whatever he could for me.  I also have Lynn's husband Walt is is like a father to me when I'm around.

On day's like today, I try to remember the good in my dad and the good things I got from him.

My dad had fantastic taste in music.  James and I both got our love of music from our dad.  I grew up listening to the Eagles, Pink Floyd, Prince, Elton John, Phil Collins, George Michael, Marvin Gaye....you get the idea.  This opened me up, as a young girl, to all kinds of music.  I have a wide range of music I like and I really think that's due to my dads influence.

He was funny.  Dad had this dry, sarcastic wit about him that I definitely inherited. James and I both can pop off with some pretty fantastic one liners.  And we'll laugh at just about anything.  The darker, the better.  (Our sense of humor isn't always logical)  TK is totally sarcastic too!  She's more blunt like my dad.  Very straight forward.  I like to think she gets this from dad, considering she wasn't raised with us. 

He was smart.  James took his degrees but there were several that he hung proudly, that now hang in James' house.  I didn't inherit this part but James did.  And I think TK did.  James and TK are both brilliant.  I'm just average and learn quickly.

It's easy to get trapped in all the bad things about my dad.  I could make a list.  I won't.  I'll try to remember the good things today instead.

The days he packed my lunch (as an adult) is one of my favorite memories.  Jamming out to Pink Floyd is a close second.  There are good things.  You just have to look for them.

Hug your dads today!  And if your dad isn't here, remember the good stuff.  At least today.  Celebrate the good things.

And drink a beer for my dad.

Thursday/Friday

I had full intentions of walking again when I got home last night but it was pouring the rain.  POURING.  So, I came home, made dinner, cleaned up, talked to my brother for like an hour and read my book.

I finished another book!  16 into my 25 book challenge!  I'm seriously excited about this.  I haven't read like this in so long.  I think I've only watched Netflix like once this week. 

I found a cool pod cast this morning.  While it's not motivational, it's interesting.  It's called "Stuff You Should Know".  And this morning, it was about Area 51. 

My sister sent me the most awesome article last night that really got me thinking about some things.  I'd like some opinions about coming off my anti-depressant.  While I know none of us are medical doctors but I know a few of you are nurses and therapists (coughcough Kyrie coughcough) so I'd like some honest opinions. 

Here is the article if any of you would like to read it.  It really hit home with me. I'm also curious to hear what YOU GUYS think.  Which numbers do you think are me?  I can tell you which numbers on the list I identify most with but....I really want to hear from the people who KNOW me. 

You can email me, since my comments on here seem to be hit or miss.  SusanMKopp@gmail.com

Or text, or Facebook, call...whatever you guys want. 

It really started me thinking.  And I really want off this medicine.  I've always hated taking an anti-depressant and I just don't know that it's helping anymore. 

I leave in the morning for Florida.  I'm so very excited!  Okay, sort of.  I'm excited to see my family.  This generally lasts about 3-4 days and I'm ready to come home.  Sad but true.  For so many reasons. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me guys.  Seriously.  The support is amazing and I love hearing from everyone.  I feel slightly famous when you guys read my blog.  (Cheesy but so true.)

I love you all. 

Wednesday hustle

I walked last night!  Hooray!  I walked 18 minutes (4 more minutes then last time!).  I have to figure out on my Fit-bit how to keep track on how far I'm actually walking.  I know there is a way, I just have to do it.  I'm trying to walk 1 more time this week so either tonight or tomorrow. 

I leave again on Saturday for Florida.  It's Jakson's fifth birthday next week and I feel like that's a "big" birthday.  So, of course, I have to go down there.  I can't wait to see him!  He's one of the most affectionate kids.  And he runs to me in the airport, making me feel like I'm someone important. Anyway!  I might not blog that much since I'll be there.  Please send positive thoughts that it will be a better trip down to see my family then it was last time.

Pod cast was another bust this morning.  It wasn't bad.  I just need something motivational!  I'll keep up my search.  I found a few I'm going to check out (I think I mentioned this yesterday.), I just didn't have much time this morning. 

I feel like my mood has improved this week.  I'm still kind of down, as I mentioned but I feel somewhat better.  I think the walking, reading and blogging regularly has helped.  My diet that I've been working on will go to crap next week I'm sure but I'm hoping that maybe I can get some exercise in, my sister in law is struggling with her weight as well so...I'll drag her with me!

My sister mentioned to me yesterday that sometimes she comments and it doesn't show up (she usually messages me over Facebook anyway) so maybe that's why some comments are showing up "unknown"?  I'm not sure.  But please keep commenting (if you can)! 

I feel very honored you guys are reading and keeping up with me.  It helps me to know that I have people who love me and are in my corner.  (Anxiety/depression often tells me I'm a burden and no one cares.)

I feel like I don't have a lot to report.  I'm still trying.  I'm still here.  That counts, right?

Tuesday bust

So, yesterday wasn't the best.  It started out okay but ended up not so great. 

Yesterday, the dentist office called with the treatment plan and the cost.  I had a slight panic attack and cried most of the way home last night.  I talked myself down from the ledge and just reminded myself that not everything has to be done at once and I can spread out some of this stuff. 

I did find a neat little spot to read on my lunch hour that's pretty secluded and quiet.  I read most of my lunch time (I eat at my desk) so that felt nice. 

Last night, I did take some time for myself.  I made dinner, cleaned up my dishes, emptied litter boxes (seriously, do cats have to really poop THIS much?) and read for the rest of the evening.  I set a alarm...or reminder I guess...? on my phone to go off at 9:00 it's time to get ready for bed and I was asleep by 9:30-9:45.  I really am trying to spend less time on my phone in the evening, mindlessly scrolling through Facebook.  (I seriously need to get a life and shake things up.)

Reading has been really nice for me and something I seriously missed.  I'm 15 books into my 25 book challenge (for the year) and that feels really good!

I tried another new podcast this morning.  Bust.  I liked the guy and I liked what he said but it was more about "unlocking your potential" to start your own business. 

I have another one lined up for tomorrow.  (I don't listen in the afternoon, I call my family on my way home.)

I'm going to try to walk again tonight.  I'm in a lot of pain today (fibro) but we'll see.  I'm not ruling it out!

I did get a few suggestions yesterday for some leggings!  Thanks for that. 

Also, if you comment and it says "unknown", I don't know who you are!  Please leave your name so I can know who is cheering me on!

Thanks again for reading.  :)

Monday win

I had some pretty decent accomplishments yesterday!  I actually exercised.  Okay, so, I walked but STILL!!!  Last night when I got home (after picking up some groceries....CLICKLIST IS WHERE IT'S AT PEOPLE!), I went home, changed into leggings/t shirt and took a 15 minute walk.  Fine, fine, it was 14 minutes but I like to round up.

This made me aware of a few things:

• I'm seriously out of shape
• I need leggings with pockets (or a better way to carry my phone/key) (Any recommendations?)
• I need to find a nice place to walk

After my walk, I went home and made dinner.  I cut up some tomatoes and cucumber and had a sandwich.  I did all my dishes, made my breakfast/lunch for today and read for awhile before going to bed. 

I felt pretty accomplished when I went to bed last night.  I was proud of myself for getting so much done.  I'm going to try to walk/exercise at least 2-3 more times this week before I leave. Tonight, I have to get a card which shouldn't take me long at the store then I can go home and walk.  

I do also need to pick up my house before I leave but I can do that pretty quickly I think.  

I've also been trying to listen to podcasts in the morning on the way to work.  I finished the Chernobyl podcast (if you haven't watched this series, I highly recommend it (and the podcast)).  I can't seem to find another podcast I enjoy as much.  I listed to one from NPR yesterday that was interesting but somewhat boring. I tried another one this morning, by a woman that seemed promising but just 3 short minutes later, I wanted to stab myself so I turned that off.  I found another one called Approachable that wasn't too bad.  

Does anyone have any recommendations for this, as well?  I'm trying to watch less Netflix, read more, educate myself, get active, inject more positive stuff in my life...you know BE INTENTIONAL.  (I literally just rolled my eyes but I am trying.)

I've slowly started "unfollowing" people on social media as well as spending less and less time on social media.  I've actually even considered disabling my Facebook account.  I use Instagram more.  I like keeping up with my friends.  It's an internal struggle.  

So, I need recommendations on leggings with pockets and podcasts.  Please and thank you.

Shout out to my sister.  She never gets discouraged.  She never gets annoyed (at least in my head she doesn't.).  She always reaches out.  She always reminds me of positive stuff.  She tells me hard truths.  She probably gets REALLY sick of me but she still does the sister thing.  Thank you TK.

Weekend update

I started my "victory" journal.  Blah.  It felt....weird and kind of lame to write stuff down.  But I did! 

Onyx let me cut some mats off his back (Onyx is my cat...and he's just ....big boned) and let me brush him.  This is HUGE.  He's so anxious and scared.  He stood patiently and let me do this yesterday while I told him what a good boy he was.  He only bit (at me) once and I think it's because I pulled a little too hard.  This was a HUGE win for me.  Of course, now he looks like his hair is falling out because he's got big bald spots on his back but it has to be better then the mats that he had.

Both cats are losing weight as well.  We've cut down on treats (don't judge me) and I have changed their food.

Last week, I went to the dentist.  It only took one Xanax and a few text messages with a friend to get me to go.  I only cried ONCE while I was there!  I didn't sob the entire visit which is another huge win.  Turns out (some bad news though), I do have gum disease. (Full transparency.)  My gums bleed horribly and I have some recession in my gum line.  (It's bad folks.)  But, they gave me some prescription toothpaste/mouth wash (which I picked up yesterday) and I go back in a month.  I also need to get a better water pik but I don't have the money for that right now.  It'll be a slow process.  I'm just proud of myself for going and getting things started.

I started Weight Watchers as soon as I got home from FL.  I saw pictures of myself and I was very unhappy.  So, it's time to change.  I've lost 4 pounds!  YAY!!!

I'm still pretty down and discouraged.  I'm working to get myself out of it.  I don't like being like this.  I don't like feeling like this.  I'm really trying.  I just get really tired of trying. 

That's my update for now.  I hope everyone had a great weekend!

I go back to FL this weekend for my nephews birthday.  Maybe another get away will perk me up? 

Thanks for reading.

Foster Care - Part 3

I did a lot of thinking while on vacation.  And I went over some of this with Carrie yesterday during TT.  It's been a rough week and a rough return from vacation.

I don't think that I can foster.  Which is devastating and I have cried a lot.  The way the current foster system is set up, it's almost impossible for single people (who have no close family) to be able to foster and maintain a job/life/etc.  There is ZERO support set up for foster families.  You can make your own support group, which is great but a majority of people have local family/friends that can help with doctors appointments, school, etc.  I do not have that.  Yes, I have friends but my friends are very busy with their own lives and likely could not help with the things I'd need help with.  I do not have a close local family.  I do have family here but it's most aunts/uncles/cousins that I am not at all close with.  My immediate family lives in Florida or in PA.

I also do not have the luxury of missing a ton of work.  I am my only income and while I do have some flexibility with my job, I can't miss a lot and I can't use up all my vacation time because that's just not fair.

The way the current foster system is set up; you have to do a wellness check with a certain number of days, you have to enroll them (or keep them in) school, you are responsible to get them to visitations with their bio family, etc.  While these things are totally acceptable and expected, you learn quickly that visitation with families can be at 12PM on Thursday and you have to take them out of school if they are school age and then take them to the visit.  Visits are done at the bio families schedule, not the foster parent or the childs schedule.  If they are currently in a school that is 20 miles from where they are placed, the system asks that you keep them in that school until the next enrolling school year.  Again, no assistance getting them to/from school.  If this child has therapy appointments every Tuesday at 3PM, you have to take them, no assistance offered here either.  I don't have the capability to do that at this time.  I am the only income in my household so if I don't have a job, I can't support myself and/or a foster child.

I went through 12 classes to learn that being single makes it almost impossible to do what you feel your heart is leading you to do.  I had my hopes set so high.  It's also another blow to my self esteem that you almost have to have a partner.  We all know how much I struggle being single.  (To my married friends, yes, I know....enjoy it...right?)

I spent my hour in trauma therapy yesterday discussing this.  And while Carrie doesn't want me to see this as a final no, it's hard not to.  I'm sure there are other ways I can help and I have think of 3 of those ways to help (by my next appointment), it's discouraging.  And to be honest, I'm really devastated about it.  These were some of the struggles that I dealt with while in the classes.

I did reach out to a friend yesterday to see if there were other ways I could help and she gave me some ideas that I'm mulling around. 

We addressed my negative thoughts in TT yesterday.  It's easy to get trapped in this negative thought process and things spiral from there.  It's something I have to be intentional to change.  There are literally pathways in our brains and I have to work on building new ones.  My negative thoughts have and were a coping mechanism, she feels.  It's sometimes easier to accept the negative and move forward, then to be hopeful when you grew up the way I did. 

This is VERY hard for me.  It's hard for me to be hopeful about anything.  I was hopeful about this (fostering) only to have it kind of smack back at me.  It's also hard for me to see other people having what I want, knowing that I cannot have it or I won't have it.  It's like the universe is playing some cruel joke on me.

Carrie feels this is where a gratitude journal would help, I could look at each day and see there were good things.  It feels lame to me.  I tried this once.  I felt like I wrote the same things down every day.  But, I guess I look at gratitude as something I'm thankful for...?  And she wants me to write down more of like, my wins for the day.  Like finishing foster class, my job review (which was yesterday and pretty freaking stellar), etc. I guess I'll start a "victory/accomplishment/win" journal. 

I have a few other things weighing me down.  My finances for one.  I'm living pay check to pay check.  My student loan debt is outrageous.  I'm paying like $600 a month.  And I'm in debt consolidation.  (Don't judge me...this is my blog about my truth, remember?  Just being real.) There is like $900-$1000 a  month coming out of my check.  I don't have a lot of money to do a lot of extras.  (Yes, I just went to Florida...what you don't know is that my second mom/adopted aunt paid a good majority of this because she wanted me to be there and I couldn't afford it.) (Yes, I'm going back to Florida in two weeks but I stay with my family and essentially only buy my plane ticket which I pulled out of my meager savings for.)

I just can't get ahead.  I thought things were getting better but they aren't.  I'm tired.  I'm tried of struggling.  I'm tired of being intentional.  I'm tired of trying to be happy.  I'm just tired.  I fell asleep by 8PM last night.  And it's not because I'm physically tired.  I'm emotionally tired. 

Things will likely get better.  For awhile.  They usually do.  And my pain and sadness will go away.  For awhile.  I'm working my ass off to make myself better.  It just doesn't feel like it's working.  I'll keep working. 

I feel like the only thing I'm good at in life is my job.  How sad is that? But, it's mostly true.  I go home, take care of my cats, read, clean up my house, go to bed and start all over.

I know you guys are probably SUPER tired of listening to me.  And of me being sad, depressed, lonely, etc.  I also understand that having a friend like me is hard and exhausting.   I appreciate you reading and supporting me.  It'll get better.

(This is real life with depression/anxiety.  Aren't you glad for the glimpse into my head?)

Vacation

I'm back!  Did anyone miss me?

I had a nice getaway to the beach last week and it was just what I needed.  I learned a lot about myself last week.  I don't have any profound things to tell you this time.  I don't have TT until Wednesday.  I just wanted you guys to know that I was back!

Things I learned on vacation:

• I am a rockstar at the airport. 
• I am a speed reader.  I read 6 books last week (one I finished at home but still)
• My skin DOES NOT handle the sun.  Seriously does not.  I did however, find out that vinegar will take the sting/burn out of a sunburn.  You do smell like vinegar for a bit though (enough to make your eyes water)
• I hadn't been to the beach in over 10 years.  I really need to find a place closer to the beach.
• I was very calm last week.  I had almost no anxiety until it was time to come home. 
• I need to develop a cure for sun poisoning.  That ish is for REAL.

I have really big dreams.  REALLY big dreams.  And I was a little crushed when I got home about them.  But, I'm trying not to let it get me down.  My anxiety is back and I'm emotional.  

Can I take a permanent vacation to the beach?  ;)

I'll post again soon!