Longer

It seems to get longer and longer between my posts.  Have I lost you guys yet?

Nothing super exciting to update.  I finished my book challenge of reading 50 books this year.  So, I upped it to 75.  The Kindle really helps me read books, faster and just at my fingertips.  Plus, I've found an author that I really enjoy so I'm just devouring her books.

I'm still struggling with my depression/anxiety pretty badly.  I took a short vacation that turned out not to be so great so that hurt.

I also have some news about my fibromyalgia and my struggle there.  It's not all that great news.  I was approved by my doctor (and a specialist) for medical marijuana (it's only legal here in Ohio for about 21 "issues" and fibro is one of them.).  After dropping $189 to see the specialist....who didn't even ask me about my pain...but was super worried about my sex life and possibly getting pregnant will smoking the "pots"....I was approved with the state.  $50 later, I had my card.

My sister in law has been using medical marijuana for about a year now.  With the combination of THC and CBD, Alicia has been able to control her pain (and most symptoms) with her rheumatoid arthritis.  I was really optimistic when I was approved.

I visited a local dispensary here and was very horrified.  Ohio doesn't have anything close to what Florida has. Basically, all we have here is the "flower" (the actual plant).  We do not have vapes, lotions, pills, oil...or anything.  We have pot.  That's basically it. Now, the pot is mixed with some strains of CBD but the main focus here is the marijuana.

Well, if any of you know me at alllllll (which most of you do), I am very anti-drug.  I don't really care if other people do them but they aren't for me.  So, this was a tough decision for me to make.  But if it gives me relief from pain, then I'll give it a whirl.

Welp....it's difficult to find the right "dose" of CBD/THC for me.  And my pain.  It seems the main focus is "getting high" and using the THC.  That's not at all what I want.  I have zero desire to be "high".  The gentleman helping me at the dispensary was very shocked to find this out and seemed VERY surprised that I worked full time.  He recommended some combination of what he thought would work and sent me on my way.

I cried all the way home.  I have since tried the "buckeye relief" (that's honestly what it's called) and it didn't help.  My pain didn't really change and I just feel sleepy and slightly dizzy.  At least I didn't feel high?

I had such hopes (I almost put "high hopes" hahaha) for this.  It's supposed to help so much with pain.  It should even help with my depression and anxiety.  Now, I have $46 worth of "buckeye relief" that didn't do shit.  I don't have the money to replace it, right now.  So, I'm stuck.  Ohio only allows you a 90 day supply (which they supply you) so I'm stuck for 90 days anyway.  Hooray....

I feel very defeated.  I didn't have the money to just waste on this and now I'm stuck....

I'm not sure what the answer is anymore.  I don't sleep well.  I hurt like 75% of the time.  And I'm sad.

I just keep pushing.  That's what I have to do, right?  I don't feel suicidal  I promise.  I just feel sad.  And like I want to sleep for a long time.

I said this blog would be better.  I lied.

This is why I haven't posted.  I was reminded by my friend Steve;that it takes some bravery to be this transparent and he actually misses my posts (I DO NOT SEE HOW).  So, I'll keep writing.

It does feel good to get it out.

Love you guys.