Update - sadness alert

It’s been awhile again and I’m sorry for that.  It’s been a hectic few weeks.

I guess I should fill you all in on what’s been happening.

First – at work – our corporate office was in doing what was called a “deep dive.”  Usually, a deep dive means they’ll be restructuring/fine tuning things.  i.e. making cuts.  It was an intense few days while everyone was here.  Our managers are being very tight lipped about what happened.  We’ve heard a lot of “We’ll see.”  “It wasn’t a blood bath.”  So, essentially, I have no idea what is going to happen; could be nothing.  I’ve been extremely stressed about this and to be honest, I still am. 

Second – my nephew isn’t adjusting well to kindergarten.  The school and his doctor would like him “tested” but that testing costs money that my family doesn’t have right now.  He’s had several meltdowns but things are improving.  Slowly.  Jakson is very smart.  And I’m not just saying this because he’s my nephew.  He can tell you the alphabet, colors and count to 10 in four languages. He can read most basic books, spell basic words, etc.  It’s his behavior that is the issue.  He is extremely OCD.  When his routine changes, or well, anything changes, he can lash out.  He melts down, crying, screaming, etc.  He especially likes to lay himself on the ground/floor and scream “DON’T TOUCH ME!” when you try to get him up.  The teachers/principal are working with him but I’m so worried about him.  I’m worried they are just going to slap a label on him and then he’ll just be another kid with a label and won't get the education he needs or deserves. 

Third – I’m broke. Okay, I have savings.  I have a little leftover money but it’s been extremely stressful lately.  I don’t know that I’ve shared the exact number before but there is about $1200 coming out of my check each month.  I have very little money for extras, outside of what it takes to survive.  I’ve been working on the making the garnishment stop but it’s been a process and another stressful item added to my list. I’ve had to dip into my savings to afford things (like groceries) so that’s not fun.  I just keep telling myself that it’s gonna get better. It’s just taking a little bit of time.

Fourth – I’m very underappreciated at my job.  To the point where it’s effecting my self-esteem.  I come in early, I never call in sick, I stay late if necessary, I do whatever needs done, I get along with everyone….but yet, my raise was a measly 2% and there are people who SLEEP AT THEIR DESK and get away with it. It’s hard to walk away from 21 years, 5 weeks’ vacation, etc.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been looking, around the country even, and nothing. 

Fifth – I have decided I’m not going to foster.  I’ve shed a lot of tears about this and I’m crushed but I’m trying to move forward and be okay with my decision.

I’m extremely depressed, stressed and anxious.  I’m not handling things like I usually do.  I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep, I’m usually wide awake around 2:30 every morning.  My fibromyalgia has been out of control and I’m sure a lot of it is related to stress and not sleeping.  Great time to stop seeing my therapist huh?  (Another thing I cannot afford – thank you insurance.)

I have tried selling things online (mostly Facebook) to help generate some money.  I have no luck.  I’ve been applying for second jobs.  I just keep working at it.

I’ve been exploring a few things that I’m trying out, to change things up but it’s super hard when you’re this depressed. 

So…any hooters….that’s why the long silence. 

A few good things, I’m up to 40 books but haven’t read in about a week.  (This is what happens when I get super depressed, I don’t read.). 

My friend Jetty (yes, her name is Jet) sent me a massage.  How nice is that?  I just have to get in there to get one. Hopefully soon.

My apartment is clean.  Though, recently, I have been labeled the “queen of knick-knacks”, I have scaled back a lot and it made me happy my apartment was so clean.

That’s it.  That’s all I got folks.  I’m down and not coming up any time soon.  I know I have people who care about me and love me.  But, as you all know (from me or reading or similar experiences), depression/anxiety is VERY isolating.  You don’t want to be a bother, you don’t want to be a downer to your friends/loved ones, you know they are sick of listening to you, sick of your problems.  So, you isolate.  You come up with excuses to not leave the house.  You just become comfortable with the sadness.  It will pass eventually right? 

Next post will be better?