Strong

I met with a dear friend last night who is struggling so hard right now.  She reached out to me, I think in hopes I could give her some advise or maybe help her in some way and I feel like I did NOTHING except sit across from her, staring.

I wish I could heal all my friends and help everyone to feel safe and loved.  It's a sad place we live in when a vast majority of us haven't had that experience.

I've been told several times in the past few months about how "strong" I am.  So, I'm going to use this blog to rid the world of that ridiculous statement.

I am NOT strong.  I'm survived.  There's a difference.  Very few of you have seen my breakdowns and if you have, I apologize.  I'm a MESS.  I've cried, I've screamed, I've crumbled...I have literally just crumbled on the floor in my apartment and sobbed until nothing else came out.  I've avoided (as you can see...since my wages are garnished).  I've just done nothing.  I've literally let my house go to shit, I've had to throw dishes away...I've not showered for like a week.  I hide my pain a lot and just keep moving.  I can name exactly one person who has seen a meltdown and actually physically held me through it.  Most of it, I do alone because hello, breakdowns are embarrassing.

This isn't strength.  I just survive.  I eventually get back up and I try again.  I mean, you just have to.  I don't want to.  And I know for awhile, my friend Lou Lou was super worried I'd hurt myself.  I don't want to be here.  I often wish I wasn't.  But, I am and there's not much I can do about it.  I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that this is probably how I'll feel forever so you just deal with it.

So, if you're out there and you don't feel strong, remember to survive.  Sometimes, that's all you can do.  Let the breakdowns happen, have a meltdown, cry, scream, throw shit, just get it out.  Then wipe your face and handle it.  (I'm totally trying to be better about this hahaha)

People out there love you.  They care about you.  You matter.  Maybe not to yourself - which I TOTALLY understand but evidently, people like us.  It may not get better, but YOU get better.  Stay survived.  Look back at everything you've been through and think of how far you've made it.  How far you've come.

Then, go listen to Truth Hurts by Lizzo and pump yourself up.

And for my friend last night.... I see you.  You matter.  Call that number I gave you.  You won't regret it.

Reach out to your friends.  You have no idea what they're dealing with.