I went back to the dentist on Wednesday for a "deep gum" cleaning. And I DID NOT CRY!!!! Read it again, I DID NOT CRY. I took some anxiety medicine and went to my appointment. The root cleaning wasn't as bad as I thought it would be which was nice. The dental hygienist has kind of adopted me and she's so amazing. She took some stains off my teeth that I was SUPER self conscience about.
My teeth are clean! I have no stains! This lifted my self esteem so much!!! Monica (the hygienist) was very excited about it. My dentist, Dr. Erik, said my gums look better, my extraction site is healing nicely and I go back in September.
It was a great visit! Very big accomplishment for me! I'm proud of myself.
I'm a little ashamed to say that I fell off the diet wagon this week but I don't even care. It's been a rough week (work) and I like to eat comfort foods when I'm stressed and hurting.
My fibro however, is out of control. I've been in pain at least 3-4 days this week and today is awful. I'm grumpy and just want to go back home.
I'm struggling through. Depression is bad lately but that's not new and you guys are probably really tired of hearing about that.
I'm 35 books into 50! Super proud about that too!
Not much else to report. Just the usual stuff. Work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. :)
I hope you all are still reading!
Friday, July 26, 2019
Friday, July 19, 2019
Dentist
Who else is afraid of the dentist? Are you afraid like I am? Like, almost having a panic attack going?
Yes, I do almost have a panic attack! It's really ridiculous. Yesterday, I had to have a tooth pulled. I thought I'd be fine, I went in thinking this won't be so bad. By the end, I had to sit in the chair (with his assistant watching me) until my legs stopped shaking. I, literally, cried the entire time he was in the room.
My dentist is the worlds nicest man. He's never made me feel bad about my teeth. He explains everything. He's very gentle. I just have a melt down every time I go there.
So, my tooth is now gone (you can't see it unless I show you) and I have this giant open wound in my mouth. And I really did almost have a panic attack yesterday. I was crying (silently because his big hands were in my mouth) and shaking so hard. I did the 5-4-3-2-1 coping thing (for anxiety) and it seemed to help some. It really helped when I was able to get the hell out of there.
Not much else to report really. It's been fairly status quo.
I'm up to 33 books out of 50. (Granted, I will admit, I did not finish one of them. It was terrible. I made it to chapter 21 (they were short chapters) and called it.) I'm very excited about that. I haven't read this much in yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrssssssssss.
My prepping (for the dreaded zombie apocalypse) is going well. For some reason, I find it very calming and I feel so relieved when I've done something. On Amazon Prime day, I found an ahhh-mazing deal on Life Straws so I was able to get those. I've been wanting them! Do you guys think I'm a lunatic? I have a small corner in my bedroom that's full of supplies and water. And a backpack in my car. I'm not done but I feel like I've made a really good start.
I'm down 9 pounds. I'm VERY excited about that. But, after having my tooth pulled, I have to be on mostly soft foods for a few days so I might not eat the best (cottage cheese! and mashed potatoes!). I'm being a big wimp about this tooth pull but oh well. I'm allowed.
It's hotter then the surface of the sun here. Seriously, it feels like a sweaty armpit outside that's a million degrees. So, I'm sure I'll be reading more this weekend.
Any book recommendations?
I don't really feel that my depression or anxiety is really any better or any worse. I had a moment a few nights ago where I cried for awhile but I got over it. I guess, the best I can. I'm still constantly tired. And I can't figure out why. It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, I'm tired.
I've had a few days of really bad fibro pain this week as well. I wish I could get that under control. My hips hurt so bad on Wednesday, I was almost in tears.
It's been a not so great week but you'll have that.
Is anyone still reading? :)
Stay cool!
Yes, I do almost have a panic attack! It's really ridiculous. Yesterday, I had to have a tooth pulled. I thought I'd be fine, I went in thinking this won't be so bad. By the end, I had to sit in the chair (with his assistant watching me) until my legs stopped shaking. I, literally, cried the entire time he was in the room.
My dentist is the worlds nicest man. He's never made me feel bad about my teeth. He explains everything. He's very gentle. I just have a melt down every time I go there.
So, my tooth is now gone (you can't see it unless I show you) and I have this giant open wound in my mouth. And I really did almost have a panic attack yesterday. I was crying (silently because his big hands were in my mouth) and shaking so hard. I did the 5-4-3-2-1 coping thing (for anxiety) and it seemed to help some. It really helped when I was able to get the hell out of there.
Not much else to report really. It's been fairly status quo.
I'm up to 33 books out of 50. (Granted, I will admit, I did not finish one of them. It was terrible. I made it to chapter 21 (they were short chapters) and called it.) I'm very excited about that. I haven't read this much in yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrssssssssss.
My prepping (for the dreaded zombie apocalypse) is going well. For some reason, I find it very calming and I feel so relieved when I've done something. On Amazon Prime day, I found an ahhh-mazing deal on Life Straws so I was able to get those. I've been wanting them! Do you guys think I'm a lunatic? I have a small corner in my bedroom that's full of supplies and water. And a backpack in my car. I'm not done but I feel like I've made a really good start.
I'm down 9 pounds. I'm VERY excited about that. But, after having my tooth pulled, I have to be on mostly soft foods for a few days so I might not eat the best (cottage cheese! and mashed potatoes!). I'm being a big wimp about this tooth pull but oh well. I'm allowed.
It's hotter then the surface of the sun here. Seriously, it feels like a sweaty armpit outside that's a million degrees. So, I'm sure I'll be reading more this weekend.
Any book recommendations?
I don't really feel that my depression or anxiety is really any better or any worse. I had a moment a few nights ago where I cried for awhile but I got over it. I guess, the best I can. I'm still constantly tired. And I can't figure out why. It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, I'm tired.
I've had a few days of really bad fibro pain this week as well. I wish I could get that under control. My hips hurt so bad on Wednesday, I was almost in tears.
It's been a not so great week but you'll have that.
Is anyone still reading? :)
Stay cool!
Monday, July 8, 2019
Post weekend update
Why is it so hot? I mean, honestly. Why does it feel like you're going to melt the moment you step outside?
I'd really like to move someplace it's 75 every day. Does such place exist?
Anywho, this weekend was fun! All things Stranger Things and hanging out with my girlies. We had our usual Target/Starbucks trip before starting the fun. (It's tradition that when we're together, we Target it up!) I got some new pajamas that are super comfy. We listened to 80's music and had Taco Bell (which was very retro though it's Taco Bell.)
We watched 4 episodes before breaking for a long trek to the mall and then pizza for dinner. YUM!! We watched 2 more episodes before crashing out into dreams about monsters and the upside down. It was a lot of fun. We had cookies too! We never got around to eating our Eggo's but we had plenty of cookies, Coke and pizza to full us up!
Yesterday, I cleaned up my car and then lounged around with my kitties. (After having a minor heat stroke from pulling a few things from my car and cleaning the windows. It legit took me an hour to stop sweating)
I completed my reading challenge of 25 books! That's exciting and made me feel really accomplished. I've bumped it up for 50 for the year. Let's see if I can do it!
I didn't lose any weight from last week but considering how much crap junk I ate over the weekend, that's okay. I didn't gain either! Holding steady at 8 pounds lost!!! I'll work on doing better this week.
I plan to clean more/purge this weekend. It's almost too hot to be outside. So spending the weekend purging and cleaning sounds good actually. My goal is to work on my spare room. Then I'll feel like I'm done.
Small goals. My sister keeps harping (love you) on setting goals for myself so I've been doing that with my cleaning/purging, weight loss and reading challenge. It feels REALLY good to cross things off my list.
I've also been packing my lunch (for work) and eating at home, to help with my money stuff. That's a big goal with small steps right now.
I started doing something else that I'm a little embarrassed to talk about. It seems silly to talk about and I've been getting a lot of strange looks from a few friends (mostly people at work that hear us talk about it.) I've been prepping.
Does anyone else do this? I've noticed over the past few weeks, it's become kind of an obsession of sorts. The guys at work are really big into prepping and I guess a "girl" has joined the band wagon. I have a small stash at home and I made a BOB (bug out bag) for my car. It's more like an emergency kit in case I'm stranded somewhere.
I found a pod cast called Casual Preppers that is super informative and makes me feel less crazy. I've listened to 4 shows so far and it feels like I'm on the right track. I'll never be one of those people who has a underground bunker (though...how cool would that be?) or gas masks....but it makes me feel good to know that I'm preparing myself in case SHTF (shit hits the fan) or I need to be prepared for no power or whatever due to natural stuff. The 2 earthquakes in California scared me to death (my good friend Yoda (that's my nickname for him), is fine!) and they say tornado valley is shifting again, more towards Ohio. Which, I think we all can see that since Dayton was slammed so hard at the end of May.
Thoughts on this? Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions? I'm really not crazy. I promise. I would also like to point out that this is my friend Sarah Jo's fault. She started this crazy train and I just purchased the ticket.
I feel good people. For the first time in awhile. I'm trying to ride this emotion for as long as I can.
I'd really like to move someplace it's 75 every day. Does such place exist?
Anywho, this weekend was fun! All things Stranger Things and hanging out with my girlies. We had our usual Target/Starbucks trip before starting the fun. (It's tradition that when we're together, we Target it up!) I got some new pajamas that are super comfy. We listened to 80's music and had Taco Bell (which was very retro though it's Taco Bell.)
We watched 4 episodes before breaking for a long trek to the mall and then pizza for dinner. YUM!! We watched 2 more episodes before crashing out into dreams about monsters and the upside down. It was a lot of fun. We had cookies too! We never got around to eating our Eggo's but we had plenty of cookies, Coke and pizza to full us up!
Yesterday, I cleaned up my car and then lounged around with my kitties. (After having a minor heat stroke from pulling a few things from my car and cleaning the windows. It legit took me an hour to stop sweating)
I completed my reading challenge of 25 books! That's exciting and made me feel really accomplished. I've bumped it up for 50 for the year. Let's see if I can do it!
I didn't lose any weight from last week but considering how much crap junk I ate over the weekend, that's okay. I didn't gain either! Holding steady at 8 pounds lost!!! I'll work on doing better this week.
I plan to clean more/purge this weekend. It's almost too hot to be outside. So spending the weekend purging and cleaning sounds good actually. My goal is to work on my spare room. Then I'll feel like I'm done.
Small goals. My sister keeps harping (love you) on setting goals for myself so I've been doing that with my cleaning/purging, weight loss and reading challenge. It feels REALLY good to cross things off my list.
I've also been packing my lunch (for work) and eating at home, to help with my money stuff. That's a big goal with small steps right now.
I started doing something else that I'm a little embarrassed to talk about. It seems silly to talk about and I've been getting a lot of strange looks from a few friends (mostly people at work that hear us talk about it.) I've been prepping.
Does anyone else do this? I've noticed over the past few weeks, it's become kind of an obsession of sorts. The guys at work are really big into prepping and I guess a "girl" has joined the band wagon. I have a small stash at home and I made a BOB (bug out bag) for my car. It's more like an emergency kit in case I'm stranded somewhere.
I found a pod cast called Casual Preppers that is super informative and makes me feel less crazy. I've listened to 4 shows so far and it feels like I'm on the right track. I'll never be one of those people who has a underground bunker (though...how cool would that be?) or gas masks....but it makes me feel good to know that I'm preparing myself in case SHTF (shit hits the fan) or I need to be prepared for no power or whatever due to natural stuff. The 2 earthquakes in California scared me to death (my good friend Yoda (that's my nickname for him), is fine!) and they say tornado valley is shifting again, more towards Ohio. Which, I think we all can see that since Dayton was slammed so hard at the end of May.
Thoughts on this? Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions? I'm really not crazy. I promise. I would also like to point out that this is my friend Sarah Jo's fault. She started this crazy train and I just purchased the ticket.
I feel good people. For the first time in awhile. I'm trying to ride this emotion for as long as I can.
Friday, July 5, 2019
Purge
You guys! I'm so excited! Granted, this doesn't take much anymore but I'm super proud of myself and I wanted to share.
I purged yesterday, I woke up with this sudden urge to just clean and get rid of stuff. I took out 4 garbage bags and a box of just...well, canned goods that had expired, things I wasn't using anymore (or never used and they were expired), broken things, etc. I started a bag for things I'm going to donate and I started a pile of things I'd like to try to sell.
I slept GREAT on Wednesday night (thank you to my anxiety medication and a hot bath to help with the fibro pain) and woke up yesterday, ready to do some work. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way and it felt really good to just get things organized.
I didn't get to my spare bedroom which bums me out but I plan on doing that next weekend.
I even woke up this morning, proud of myself.
I've started making some small changes in my life and I feel like it's helping.
I have a tendency to have these spurts of happy or excited and then I fall back into the same pit of depression and anxiety. I'm going to work really hard (again), hopeful that this won't happen again. Or if it does, I won't stay there as long.
I did break a glass yesterday that was a gift that made me pretty upset. But, as I cleaned it up, I realized it could be replaced and I just tried to move on.
I've also decided to forgo a second job. I work 50 hours a week as it is. I'm not sure I can do much more. Maybe a few hours on a Saturday? I don't know. I'm still tossing it around but I'm leaning more towards no.
Plus, I am attending a Stranger Things party this weekend! I AM SO EXCITED!!!
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Thanks for reading. Love you guys.
I purged yesterday, I woke up with this sudden urge to just clean and get rid of stuff. I took out 4 garbage bags and a box of just...well, canned goods that had expired, things I wasn't using anymore (or never used and they were expired), broken things, etc. I started a bag for things I'm going to donate and I started a pile of things I'd like to try to sell.
I slept GREAT on Wednesday night (thank you to my anxiety medication and a hot bath to help with the fibro pain) and woke up yesterday, ready to do some work. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way and it felt really good to just get things organized.
I didn't get to my spare bedroom which bums me out but I plan on doing that next weekend.
I even woke up this morning, proud of myself.
I've started making some small changes in my life and I feel like it's helping.
I have a tendency to have these spurts of happy or excited and then I fall back into the same pit of depression and anxiety. I'm going to work really hard (again), hopeful that this won't happen again. Or if it does, I won't stay there as long.
I did break a glass yesterday that was a gift that made me pretty upset. But, as I cleaned it up, I realized it could be replaced and I just tried to move on.
I've also decided to forgo a second job. I work 50 hours a week as it is. I'm not sure I can do much more. Maybe a few hours on a Saturday? I don't know. I'm still tossing it around but I'm leaning more towards no.
Plus, I am attending a Stranger Things party this weekend! I AM SO EXCITED!!!
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Thanks for reading. Love you guys.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Manic Monday
How is it July already? I feel like the spring just barely started and now it's July!
So, good news first right? I have lost of a total of 8 pounds. HOORAY!!! I'm very excited about this. Yesterday, I meal prepped (with what I have) for this week and I'll pick up a few more things tonight on my way home.
I've been eating a lot of fruits/veggies and trying really hard to curb my sugar cravings. I did cave this weekend and ate 3 packages of Zebra Cakes (don't judge me.) Packing my lunch has helped a lot. Though, I am burning out on a few things I've been packing a lot. I need to change it up.
I went to the flea market by myself yesterday. There is a store in Treasure Isle that I've been dying to check out so I went. It was a little intimidating at first but I got to go to the store which was fun and very educational.
Now on to news....
I have stopped trauma therapy. I am not sure Carrie and I are a good fit (she's very nice and I like her) - we're just not doing the trauma work that I thought we'd be doing. And I can't afford it. I have also cut WAY back on seeing MaryAnn. I saw her on Friday and I can't afford her either. I'm going to see how things go without therapy for awhile. We will see how it goes.
My dental work starts this month and that's going to cost a lot. I'm going to focus on that.
I've also been looking for a part time job to help with my money situation. I put in some applications this weekend. It's depressing but what can you do? I keep thinking this will cut down on my "social" time but I don't do anything anyway. I'm almost always home.
I've almost completed my "reading challenge" for this year. I'm almost done with this book and then I'll have 1 more book! This excites me. :)
I don't have much to report right now. Still kind of depressed but not as bad. It comes and goes I guess.
I guess I won't have much to report since there's going to be no therapy for awhile.
If anyone is still reading, I can keep blogging.
So, good news first right? I have lost of a total of 8 pounds. HOORAY!!! I'm very excited about this. Yesterday, I meal prepped (with what I have) for this week and I'll pick up a few more things tonight on my way home.
I've been eating a lot of fruits/veggies and trying really hard to curb my sugar cravings. I did cave this weekend and ate 3 packages of Zebra Cakes (don't judge me.) Packing my lunch has helped a lot. Though, I am burning out on a few things I've been packing a lot. I need to change it up.
I went to the flea market by myself yesterday. There is a store in Treasure Isle that I've been dying to check out so I went. It was a little intimidating at first but I got to go to the store which was fun and very educational.
Now on to news....
I have stopped trauma therapy. I am not sure Carrie and I are a good fit (she's very nice and I like her) - we're just not doing the trauma work that I thought we'd be doing. And I can't afford it. I have also cut WAY back on seeing MaryAnn. I saw her on Friday and I can't afford her either. I'm going to see how things go without therapy for awhile. We will see how it goes.
My dental work starts this month and that's going to cost a lot. I'm going to focus on that.
I've also been looking for a part time job to help with my money situation. I put in some applications this weekend. It's depressing but what can you do? I keep thinking this will cut down on my "social" time but I don't do anything anyway. I'm almost always home.
I've almost completed my "reading challenge" for this year. I'm almost done with this book and then I'll have 1 more book! This excites me. :)
I don't have much to report right now. Still kind of depressed but not as bad. It comes and goes I guess.
I guess I won't have much to report since there's going to be no therapy for awhile.
If anyone is still reading, I can keep blogging.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Ho-Hum
I could sit here and lie to you and tell you I had the most amazing vacation ever and came back (again) refreshed and relaxed.
That isn't the case. Vacation was okay. It was boring (mostly) (no offense to my family) but it was nice to spend time with everyone. I read another like 4-5 books. So, I have 2 more books and I'll have met my 25 books (for the year) goal!
Saturday was rough. My friend overslept and didn't get me a the airport for about 2 hours after I landed. I'm not mad, it happens. But it was a reminder of how alone I am here. I sat outside the airport, on a bench, just crying. I had no one to call, I just had to wait. Adrienne offered to drive down from Columbus but I wasn't about to let her do that. It's a 2 hour drive and she was spending time with her family. I was exhausted (no more 6AM flights for me) and just really emotional. It did hit me in my gut though. No one to call is a terrifying and lonely thing. I racked my brain but no one came to mind. Audra was with Adrienne. Alyson was with her family/horses and I'd have to pay her gas. Everyone else has a family and their own stuff and I don't feel right calling people away. So, I waited. Eventually, she showed and was very apologetic (and again, I'm not mad). It happens.
I HATE HATE HATE depending on people. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like a burden. I'll be driving myself to the airport from now on (one more flight this year) and I'll pay the outrageous fee to keep my car there.
I miss my family. A lot. It's hard being the only one here. But, I also know that my job is here and it probably isn't the greatest idea for me to just move. (Family differences) I did look for some jobs FL and that seems to be a bust. I can work anywhere, right? Yeah, if I want to make $9 an hour. I don't have a college degree and my experience doesn't seem to matter. And it would be very hard to find a job there, living 900+ miles away.
Trauma therapy was awful yesterday. Most already know but my nephews infant son passed unexpectedly yesterday (they suspect SIDS) so I was already emotional and then replaying my mood over the past few weeks...I sobbed through the entire session.
In light of what happened with baby Elias, my complaints about my life seem very small and insignificant. I feel bad just writing them out.
Carrie reminded me that I shouldn't minimize my own feelings though.
I'm just tired. I hate being this way. I hate that I'm sad/depressed. I hate taking medicine. I hate seeing a therapist. I hate trying all the damn time. I don't feel like there is a lot of hope in my life and I just exist to work and take care of my cats. I feel like the only people who would truly miss me if I was gone is my job (and a very small handful of people). Logically, I know more people would miss me but it doesn't feel that way.
I don't feel like therapy is helping. At least, not trauma therapy. It feels generic and artificial. We're working on my moods and coping with day to day stuff instead of the trauma side. I already had a therapist for my day to day stuff.
I'm isolating myself. It's just a natural thing for me anymore. I just keep to myself. I do my stuff during the week (work, errands, being personable) and then I just shut down on the weekends. I have plans next weekend (which I'm actually looking forward to) and my mind is going 900 miles an hour about it and trying to figure out how to not do it.
I remember when things felt normal. When my life felt mostly put together. When I did other things besides exist. I had a full schedule all the time. Now, I write down appointments in my planner and that's it. I'm like an 80 year old lady. An 80 year old lady who owns a Kindle and 2 cats.
I was reminded again yesterday about keeping a "gratitude" journal or writing down my small accomplishments. That's hard to do when you feel this way. I did get a 2% raise when I got back from vacation. And I didn't gain any weight while I was gone. (I didn't lose either but that's okay.) Yay....2 small accomplishments.
I know I've said this before but you guys HAVE TO BE TIRED of hearing this stuff. I appreciate you guys all reading (if you still are) and you know...that mushy stuff.
Tune in soon for more from the depression files.
That isn't the case. Vacation was okay. It was boring (mostly) (no offense to my family) but it was nice to spend time with everyone. I read another like 4-5 books. So, I have 2 more books and I'll have met my 25 books (for the year) goal!
Saturday was rough. My friend overslept and didn't get me a the airport for about 2 hours after I landed. I'm not mad, it happens. But it was a reminder of how alone I am here. I sat outside the airport, on a bench, just crying. I had no one to call, I just had to wait. Adrienne offered to drive down from Columbus but I wasn't about to let her do that. It's a 2 hour drive and she was spending time with her family. I was exhausted (no more 6AM flights for me) and just really emotional. It did hit me in my gut though. No one to call is a terrifying and lonely thing. I racked my brain but no one came to mind. Audra was with Adrienne. Alyson was with her family/horses and I'd have to pay her gas. Everyone else has a family and their own stuff and I don't feel right calling people away. So, I waited. Eventually, she showed and was very apologetic (and again, I'm not mad). It happens.
I HATE HATE HATE depending on people. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like a burden. I'll be driving myself to the airport from now on (one more flight this year) and I'll pay the outrageous fee to keep my car there.
I miss my family. A lot. It's hard being the only one here. But, I also know that my job is here and it probably isn't the greatest idea for me to just move. (Family differences) I did look for some jobs FL and that seems to be a bust. I can work anywhere, right? Yeah, if I want to make $9 an hour. I don't have a college degree and my experience doesn't seem to matter. And it would be very hard to find a job there, living 900+ miles away.
Trauma therapy was awful yesterday. Most already know but my nephews infant son passed unexpectedly yesterday (they suspect SIDS) so I was already emotional and then replaying my mood over the past few weeks...I sobbed through the entire session.
In light of what happened with baby Elias, my complaints about my life seem very small and insignificant. I feel bad just writing them out.
Carrie reminded me that I shouldn't minimize my own feelings though.
I'm just tired. I hate being this way. I hate that I'm sad/depressed. I hate taking medicine. I hate seeing a therapist. I hate trying all the damn time. I don't feel like there is a lot of hope in my life and I just exist to work and take care of my cats. I feel like the only people who would truly miss me if I was gone is my job (and a very small handful of people). Logically, I know more people would miss me but it doesn't feel that way.
I don't feel like therapy is helping. At least, not trauma therapy. It feels generic and artificial. We're working on my moods and coping with day to day stuff instead of the trauma side. I already had a therapist for my day to day stuff.
I'm isolating myself. It's just a natural thing for me anymore. I just keep to myself. I do my stuff during the week (work, errands, being personable) and then I just shut down on the weekends. I have plans next weekend (which I'm actually looking forward to) and my mind is going 900 miles an hour about it and trying to figure out how to not do it.
I remember when things felt normal. When my life felt mostly put together. When I did other things besides exist. I had a full schedule all the time. Now, I write down appointments in my planner and that's it. I'm like an 80 year old lady. An 80 year old lady who owns a Kindle and 2 cats.
I was reminded again yesterday about keeping a "gratitude" journal or writing down my small accomplishments. That's hard to do when you feel this way. I did get a 2% raise when I got back from vacation. And I didn't gain any weight while I was gone. (I didn't lose either but that's okay.) Yay....2 small accomplishments.
I know I've said this before but you guys HAVE TO BE TIRED of hearing this stuff. I appreciate you guys all reading (if you still are) and you know...that mushy stuff.
Tune in soon for more from the depression files.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
My dad
Well, today is father's day and it's the 2nd one that I haven't had my dad. I have a lot of thoughts around this day and it seems I have so many more now that he's gone.
My dad and I weren't on speaking terms when he died. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we spoke. I know we texted and whatever but ... I couldn't tell you. I have to live with that.
My dad wasn't the nicest man. Not even close. And in the almost 10 years that I was his legal guardian, he made my life mostly miserable. We did have a few good times and I try to hold those close when I think about him.
James and I struggle a lot with dads death and I think it's mostly because we have a lot of trauma that stem from this man. I cannot even begin to tell you what kind of trauma TK has. But, that's her story to tell.
I had/have some pretty amazing father figures in my life. My mother's father for one. He always got the mushy "dad" cards. And he stood in a lot as a dad, when he didn't have to. I have a "work dad" that even though he's retired, if I called him right now, he'd answer and do whatever he could for me. I also have Lynn's husband Walt is is like a father to me when I'm around.
On day's like today, I try to remember the good in my dad and the good things I got from him.
My dad had fantastic taste in music. James and I both got our love of music from our dad. I grew up listening to the Eagles, Pink Floyd, Prince, Elton John, Phil Collins, George Michael, Marvin Gaye....you get the idea. This opened me up, as a young girl, to all kinds of music. I have a wide range of music I like and I really think that's due to my dads influence.
He was funny. Dad had this dry, sarcastic wit about him that I definitely inherited. James and I both can pop off with some pretty fantastic one liners. And we'll laugh at just about anything. The darker, the better. (Our sense of humor isn't always logical) TK is totally sarcastic too! She's more blunt like my dad. Very straight forward. I like to think she gets this from dad, considering she wasn't raised with us.
He was smart. James took his degrees but there were several that he hung proudly, that now hang in James' house. I didn't inherit this part but James did. And I think TK did. James and TK are both brilliant. I'm just average and learn quickly.
It's easy to get trapped in all the bad things about my dad. I could make a list. I won't. I'll try to remember the good things today instead.
The days he packed my lunch (as an adult) is one of my favorite memories. Jamming out to Pink Floyd is a close second. There are good things. You just have to look for them.
Hug your dads today! And if your dad isn't here, remember the good stuff. At least today. Celebrate the good things.
And drink a beer for my dad.
My dad and I weren't on speaking terms when he died. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we spoke. I know we texted and whatever but ... I couldn't tell you. I have to live with that.
My dad wasn't the nicest man. Not even close. And in the almost 10 years that I was his legal guardian, he made my life mostly miserable. We did have a few good times and I try to hold those close when I think about him.
James and I struggle a lot with dads death and I think it's mostly because we have a lot of trauma that stem from this man. I cannot even begin to tell you what kind of trauma TK has. But, that's her story to tell.
I had/have some pretty amazing father figures in my life. My mother's father for one. He always got the mushy "dad" cards. And he stood in a lot as a dad, when he didn't have to. I have a "work dad" that even though he's retired, if I called him right now, he'd answer and do whatever he could for me. I also have Lynn's husband Walt is is like a father to me when I'm around.
On day's like today, I try to remember the good in my dad and the good things I got from him.
My dad had fantastic taste in music. James and I both got our love of music from our dad. I grew up listening to the Eagles, Pink Floyd, Prince, Elton John, Phil Collins, George Michael, Marvin Gaye....you get the idea. This opened me up, as a young girl, to all kinds of music. I have a wide range of music I like and I really think that's due to my dads influence.
He was funny. Dad had this dry, sarcastic wit about him that I definitely inherited. James and I both can pop off with some pretty fantastic one liners. And we'll laugh at just about anything. The darker, the better. (Our sense of humor isn't always logical) TK is totally sarcastic too! She's more blunt like my dad. Very straight forward. I like to think she gets this from dad, considering she wasn't raised with us.
He was smart. James took his degrees but there were several that he hung proudly, that now hang in James' house. I didn't inherit this part but James did. And I think TK did. James and TK are both brilliant. I'm just average and learn quickly.
It's easy to get trapped in all the bad things about my dad. I could make a list. I won't. I'll try to remember the good things today instead.
The days he packed my lunch (as an adult) is one of my favorite memories. Jamming out to Pink Floyd is a close second. There are good things. You just have to look for them.
Hug your dads today! And if your dad isn't here, remember the good stuff. At least today. Celebrate the good things.
And drink a beer for my dad.
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