Ho-Hum

I could sit here and lie to you and tell you I had the most amazing vacation ever and came back (again) refreshed and relaxed.

That isn't the case.  Vacation was okay.  It was boring (mostly) (no offense to my family) but it was nice to spend time with everyone.  I read another like 4-5 books.  So, I have 2 more books and I'll have met my 25 books (for the year) goal! 

Saturday was rough.  My friend overslept and didn't get me a the airport for about 2 hours after I landed.  I'm not mad, it happens.  But it was a reminder of how alone I am here.  I sat outside the airport, on a bench, just crying.  I had no one to call, I just had to wait.  Adrienne offered to drive down from Columbus but I wasn't about to let her do that.  It's a 2 hour drive and she was spending time with her family.  I was exhausted (no more 6AM flights for me) and just really emotional.  It did hit me in my gut though.  No one to call is a terrifying and lonely thing.  I racked my brain but no one came to mind.  Audra was with Adrienne.  Alyson was with her family/horses and I'd have to pay her gas.  Everyone else has a family and their own stuff and I don't feel right calling people away.  So, I waited.  Eventually, she showed and was very apologetic (and again, I'm not mad).  It happens.

I HATE HATE HATE depending on people.  It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like a burden.  I'll be driving myself to the airport from now on (one more flight this year) and I'll pay the outrageous fee to keep my car there.

I miss my family.  A lot.  It's hard being the only one here.  But, I also know that my job is here and it probably isn't the greatest idea for me to just move.  (Family differences)  I did look for some jobs FL and that seems to be a bust.  I can work anywhere, right?  Yeah, if I want to make $9 an hour. I don't have a college degree and my experience doesn't seem to matter.  And it would be very hard to find a job there, living 900+ miles away.

Trauma therapy was awful yesterday.  Most already know but my nephews infant son passed unexpectedly yesterday (they suspect SIDS) so I was already emotional and then replaying my mood over the past few weeks...I sobbed through the entire session. 

In light of what happened with baby Elias, my complaints about my life seem very small and insignificant.  I feel bad just writing them out.

Carrie reminded me that I shouldn't minimize my own feelings though.

I'm just tired.  I hate being this way.  I hate that I'm sad/depressed.  I hate taking medicine.  I hate seeing a therapist.  I hate trying all the damn time.  I don't feel like there is a lot of hope in my life and I just exist to work and take care of my cats.  I feel like the only people who would truly miss me if I was gone is my job (and a very small handful of people).  Logically, I know more people would miss me but it doesn't feel that way. 

I don't feel like therapy is helping.  At least, not trauma therapy.  It feels generic and artificial.  We're working on my moods and coping with day to day stuff instead of the trauma side.  I already had a therapist for my day to day stuff. 

I'm isolating myself.  It's just a natural thing for me anymore.  I just keep to myself.  I do my stuff during the week (work, errands, being personable) and then I just shut down on the weekends.  I have plans next weekend (which I'm actually looking forward to) and my mind is going 900 miles an hour about it and trying to figure out how to not do it. 

I remember when things felt normal.  When my life felt mostly put together.  When I did other things besides exist.  I had a full schedule all the time.  Now, I write down appointments in my planner and that's it.  I'm like an 80 year old lady.  An 80 year old lady who owns a Kindle and 2 cats. 

I was reminded again yesterday about keeping a "gratitude" journal or writing down my small accomplishments.  That's hard to do when you feel this way.  I did get a 2% raise when I got back from vacation.  And I didn't gain any weight while I was gone.  (I didn't lose either but that's okay.)  Yay....2 small accomplishments.

I know I've said this before but you guys HAVE TO BE TIRED of hearing this stuff.  I appreciate you guys all reading (if you still are) and you know...that mushy stuff.

Tune in soon for more from the depression files.