Update - sadness alert

It’s been awhile again and I’m sorry for that.  It’s been a hectic few weeks.

I guess I should fill you all in on what’s been happening.

First – at work – our corporate office was in doing what was called a “deep dive.”  Usually, a deep dive means they’ll be restructuring/fine tuning things.  i.e. making cuts.  It was an intense few days while everyone was here.  Our managers are being very tight lipped about what happened.  We’ve heard a lot of “We’ll see.”  “It wasn’t a blood bath.”  So, essentially, I have no idea what is going to happen; could be nothing.  I’ve been extremely stressed about this and to be honest, I still am. 

Second – my nephew isn’t adjusting well to kindergarten.  The school and his doctor would like him “tested” but that testing costs money that my family doesn’t have right now.  He’s had several meltdowns but things are improving.  Slowly.  Jakson is very smart.  And I’m not just saying this because he’s my nephew.  He can tell you the alphabet, colors and count to 10 in four languages. He can read most basic books, spell basic words, etc.  It’s his behavior that is the issue.  He is extremely OCD.  When his routine changes, or well, anything changes, he can lash out.  He melts down, crying, screaming, etc.  He especially likes to lay himself on the ground/floor and scream “DON’T TOUCH ME!” when you try to get him up.  The teachers/principal are working with him but I’m so worried about him.  I’m worried they are just going to slap a label on him and then he’ll just be another kid with a label and won't get the education he needs or deserves. 

Third – I’m broke. Okay, I have savings.  I have a little leftover money but it’s been extremely stressful lately.  I don’t know that I’ve shared the exact number before but there is about $1200 coming out of my check each month.  I have very little money for extras, outside of what it takes to survive.  I’ve been working on the making the garnishment stop but it’s been a process and another stressful item added to my list. I’ve had to dip into my savings to afford things (like groceries) so that’s not fun.  I just keep telling myself that it’s gonna get better. It’s just taking a little bit of time.

Fourth – I’m very underappreciated at my job.  To the point where it’s effecting my self-esteem.  I come in early, I never call in sick, I stay late if necessary, I do whatever needs done, I get along with everyone….but yet, my raise was a measly 2% and there are people who SLEEP AT THEIR DESK and get away with it. It’s hard to walk away from 21 years, 5 weeks’ vacation, etc.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been looking, around the country even, and nothing. 

Fifth – I have decided I’m not going to foster.  I’ve shed a lot of tears about this and I’m crushed but I’m trying to move forward and be okay with my decision.

I’m extremely depressed, stressed and anxious.  I’m not handling things like I usually do.  I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep, I’m usually wide awake around 2:30 every morning.  My fibromyalgia has been out of control and I’m sure a lot of it is related to stress and not sleeping.  Great time to stop seeing my therapist huh?  (Another thing I cannot afford – thank you insurance.)

I have tried selling things online (mostly Facebook) to help generate some money.  I have no luck.  I’ve been applying for second jobs.  I just keep working at it.

I’ve been exploring a few things that I’m trying out, to change things up but it’s super hard when you’re this depressed. 

So…any hooters….that’s why the long silence. 

A few good things, I’m up to 40 books but haven’t read in about a week.  (This is what happens when I get super depressed, I don’t read.). 

My friend Jetty (yes, her name is Jet) sent me a massage.  How nice is that?  I just have to get in there to get one. Hopefully soon.

My apartment is clean.  Though, recently, I have been labeled the “queen of knick-knacks”, I have scaled back a lot and it made me happy my apartment was so clean.

That’s it.  That’s all I got folks.  I’m down and not coming up any time soon.  I know I have people who care about me and love me.  But, as you all know (from me or reading or similar experiences), depression/anxiety is VERY isolating.  You don’t want to be a bother, you don’t want to be a downer to your friends/loved ones, you know they are sick of listening to you, sick of your problems.  So, you isolate.  You come up with excuses to not leave the house.  You just become comfortable with the sadness.  It will pass eventually right? 

Next post will be better?

Radio Silence

I just realized that I haven't posted in awhile.  So sorry!

I don't have much to update really.

I've told you all about the dentist trips.  I don't go back until September.  For the other half of my deep root cleaning.  I'm actually looking forward to it, as messed up as that sounds.  My teeth are still stain free!!!

I'm at a reading impasse.  I'm at 36 books.  The book I'm reading now is part of a series and I really liked the first book but I'm not digging the second one as much.  So, I think that's why I'm not reading like a crazy person.  I'm determined to make it through this book because I love this author and I really like how she writes.

I've applied for a few part time jobs and nothing has panned out.  That's a little discouraging.  But, I'm trying not to get discouraged.  I'm sure more will come up around the holidays.  (I just hate retail so much.)

I'm still listening to my Prepper PodCast.  I started one today about surviving a Nuclear disaster.  It talks about Chernobyl.  (Which I still recommend on HBO!  It's so good!)  Prepping brings me a lot of peace.  I can't explain it.  I know I'm kind of a nerd about it but I do feel good when I do it.  I've found myself adding a few things to my groceries when I get them. (Walmart pick up for the win!)  Things like canned goods, water, etc.  And I got a new "get home" bag last week that is sturdy and in my car!  And it's my favorite color (orange) which makes me double happy.

Things are very stressful at work.  I haven't discussed it with anyone (and I likely won't) but it's starting to show in my body.  This weekend I had a horrible headache and I'm having spasms in the back part of my head.

I did end up going to the Little Clinic yesterday and I have the start of an ear infection (what the hell?) and the nurse said my headache could be from that or it's the tension I'm carrying in my shoulders/neck area.  It woke me up early Monday morning and I felt like absolute dirt most of yesterday.  I slept better last night (I went to bed super early) and my head doesn't hurt as bad today. Stress is a killer.

Lynn will be visiting in a few weeks so I need to get my spare room cleaned up.  I'm a bit stressed about that. I have a bunch of crafting stuff that it just taking up space.  I need to get rid of half the crap that's in there. I have this weekend to get it done.

I've fallen off my diet wagon.  I've gained back 3 pounds.  But, oh well!  I'm not going to stress about it.  I'll just go back to eating better.

I'm trying super hard not to be down in the dumps.  I'm very stressed and the reaction my body has had (while it shouldn't be surprising) it kind of freaking me out.  I'm usually better at managing stress.

I guess I had more to update then I thought.  You guys still out there?  :)

Dentist - Part 2

I went back to the dentist on Wednesday for a "deep gum" cleaning.  And I DID NOT CRY!!!!  Read it again, I DID NOT CRY.  I took some anxiety medicine and went to my appointment.  The root cleaning wasn't as bad as I thought it would be which was nice.  The dental hygienist has kind of adopted me and she's so amazing.  She took some stains off my teeth that I was SUPER self conscience about.

My teeth are clean! I have no stains!  This lifted my self esteem so much!!!  Monica (the hygienist) was very excited about it.  My dentist, Dr. Erik, said my gums look better, my extraction site is healing nicely and I go back in September.

It was a great visit!  Very big accomplishment for me!  I'm proud of myself.

I'm a little ashamed to say that I fell off the diet wagon this week but I don't even care.  It's been a rough week (work) and I like to eat comfort foods when I'm stressed and hurting.

My fibro however, is out of control.  I've been in pain at least 3-4 days this week and today is awful.  I'm grumpy and just want to go back home.

I'm struggling through.  Depression is bad lately but that's not new and you guys are probably really tired of hearing about that.

I'm 35 books into 50!  Super proud about that too!

Not much else to report.  Just the usual stuff.  Work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat.  :)

I hope you all are still reading!

Dentist

Who else is afraid of the dentist?  Are you afraid like I am?  Like, almost having a panic attack going?

Yes, I do almost have a panic attack!  It's really ridiculous.  Yesterday, I had to have a tooth pulled.  I thought I'd be fine, I went in thinking this won't be so bad.  By the end, I had to sit in the chair (with his assistant watching me) until my legs stopped shaking.  I, literally, cried the entire time he was in the room.

My dentist is the worlds nicest man.  He's never made me feel bad about my teeth.  He explains everything.  He's very gentle.  I just have a melt down every time I go there.

So, my tooth is now gone (you can't see it unless I show you) and I have this giant open wound in my mouth.  And I really did almost have a panic attack yesterday.  I was crying (silently because his big hands were in my mouth) and shaking so hard.  I did the 5-4-3-2-1 coping thing (for anxiety) and it seemed to help some. It really helped when I was able to get the hell out of there.

Not much else to report really.  It's been fairly status quo.

I'm up to 33 books out of 50.  (Granted, I will admit, I did not finish one of them.  It was terrible.  I made it to chapter 21 (they were short chapters) and called it.)  I'm very excited about that.  I haven't read this much in yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrssssssssss.

My prepping (for the dreaded zombie apocalypse) is going well.  For some reason, I find it very calming and I feel so relieved when I've done something.  On Amazon Prime day, I found an ahhh-mazing deal on Life Straws so I was able to get those.  I've been wanting them!  Do you guys think I'm a lunatic?  I have a small corner in my bedroom that's full of supplies and water.  And a backpack in my car.  I'm not done but I feel like I've made a really good start.

I'm down 9 pounds.  I'm VERY excited about that.  But, after having my tooth pulled, I have to be on mostly soft foods for a few days so I might not eat the best (cottage cheese! and mashed potatoes!).  I'm being a big wimp about this tooth pull but oh well.  I'm allowed.

It's hotter then the surface of the sun here.  Seriously, it feels like a sweaty armpit outside that's a million degrees.  So, I'm sure I'll be reading more this weekend.

Any book recommendations?

I don't really feel that my depression or anxiety is really any better or any worse.  I had a moment a few nights ago where I cried for awhile but I got over it.  I guess, the best I can.  I'm still constantly tired.  And I can't figure out why.  It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, I'm tired.

I've had a few days of really bad fibro pain this week as well.  I wish I could get that under control.  My hips hurt so bad on Wednesday, I was almost in tears.

It's been a not so great week but you'll have that.

Is anyone still reading?  :)

Stay cool!

Post weekend update

Why is it so hot?  I mean, honestly.  Why does it feel like you're going to melt the moment you step outside?

I'd really like to move someplace it's 75 every day.  Does such place exist?

Anywho, this weekend was fun!  All things Stranger Things and hanging out with my girlies.  We had our usual Target/Starbucks trip before starting the fun.  (It's tradition that when we're together, we Target it up!)  I got some new pajamas that are super comfy.  We listened to 80's music and had Taco Bell (which was very retro though it's Taco Bell.)

We watched 4 episodes before breaking for a long trek to the mall and then pizza for dinner.  YUM!!  We watched 2 more episodes before crashing out into dreams about monsters and the upside down.  It was a lot of fun.  We had cookies too!  We never got around to eating our Eggo's but we had plenty of cookies, Coke and pizza to full us up!

Yesterday, I cleaned up my car and then lounged around with my kitties.  (After having a minor heat stroke from pulling a few things from my car and cleaning the windows.  It legit took me an hour to stop sweating)

I completed my reading challenge of 25 books!  That's exciting and made me feel really accomplished.  I've bumped it up for 50 for the year.  Let's see if I can do it!

I didn't lose any weight from last week but considering how much crap junk I ate over the weekend, that's okay.  I didn't gain either!  Holding steady at 8 pounds lost!!! I'll work on doing better this week.

I plan to clean more/purge this weekend.  It's almost too hot to be outside.  So spending the weekend purging and cleaning sounds good actually.  My goal is to work on my spare room.  Then I'll feel like I'm done.

Small goals.  My sister keeps harping (love you) on setting goals for myself so I've been doing that with my cleaning/purging, weight loss and reading challenge.  It feels REALLY good to cross things off my list.

I've also been packing my lunch (for work) and eating at home, to help with my money stuff.  That's a big goal with small steps right now.

I started doing something else that I'm a little embarrassed to talk about.  It seems silly to talk about and I've been getting a lot of strange looks from a few friends (mostly people at work that hear us talk about it.)  I've been prepping.

Does anyone else do this?  I've noticed over the past few weeks, it's become kind of an obsession of sorts.  The guys at work are really big into prepping and I guess a "girl" has joined the band wagon.  I have a small stash at home and I made a BOB (bug out bag) for my car.  It's more like an emergency kit in case I'm stranded somewhere.

I found a pod cast called Casual Preppers that is super informative and makes me feel less crazy.  I've listened to 4 shows so far and it feels like I'm on the right track.  I'll never be one of those people who has a underground bunker (though...how cool would that be?) or gas masks....but it makes me feel good to know that I'm preparing myself in case SHTF (shit hits the fan) or I need to be prepared for no power or whatever due to natural stuff.  The 2 earthquakes in California scared me to death (my good friend Yoda (that's my nickname for him), is fine!) and they say tornado valley is shifting again, more towards Ohio.  Which, I think we all can see that since Dayton was slammed so hard at the end of May.

Thoughts on this?  Does anyone else do this?  Any suggestions?  I'm really not crazy.  I promise. I would also like to point out that this is my friend Sarah Jo's fault.  She started this crazy train and I just purchased the ticket.

I feel good people.  For the first time in awhile.  I'm trying to ride this emotion for as long as I can.

Purge

You guys!  I'm so excited!  Granted, this doesn't take much anymore but I'm super proud of myself and I wanted to share.

I purged yesterday, I woke up with this sudden urge to just clean and get rid of stuff.  I took out 4 garbage bags and a box of just...well, canned goods that had expired, things I wasn't using anymore (or never used and they were expired), broken things, etc.  I started a bag for things I'm going to donate and I started a pile of things I'd like to try to sell. 

I slept GREAT on Wednesday night (thank you to my anxiety medication and a hot bath to help with the fibro pain) and woke up yesterday, ready to do some work.  It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way and it felt really good to just get things organized.

I didn't get to my spare bedroom which bums me out but I plan on doing that next weekend.

I even woke up this morning, proud of myself. 

I've started making some small changes in my life and I feel like it's helping. 

I have a tendency to have these spurts of happy or excited and then I fall back into the same pit of depression and anxiety.  I'm going to work really hard (again), hopeful that this won't happen again.  Or if it does, I won't stay there as long. 

I did break a glass yesterday that was a gift that made me pretty upset.  But, as I cleaned it up, I realized it could be replaced and I just tried to move on. 

I've also decided to forgo a second job.  I work 50 hours a week as it is.  I'm not sure I can do much more.  Maybe a few hours on a Saturday?  I don't know.  I'm still tossing it around but I'm leaning more towards no. 

Plus, I am attending a Stranger Things party this weekend!  I AM SO EXCITED!!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. 

Thanks for reading.  Love you guys.

Manic Monday

How is it July already?  I feel like the spring just barely started and now it's July!

So, good news first right?  I have lost of a total of 8 pounds.  HOORAY!!!  I'm very excited about this. Yesterday, I meal prepped (with what I have) for this week and I'll pick up a few more things tonight on my way home.

I've been eating a lot of fruits/veggies and trying really hard to curb my sugar cravings.  I did cave this weekend and ate 3 packages of Zebra Cakes (don't judge me.) Packing my lunch has helped a lot.  Though, I am burning out on a few things I've been packing a lot.  I need to change it up.

I went to the flea market by myself yesterday.  There is a store in Treasure Isle that I've been dying to check out so I went.  It was a little intimidating at first but I got to go to the store which was fun and very educational. 

Now on to news....

I have stopped trauma therapy.  I am not sure Carrie and I are a good fit (she's very nice and I like her) - we're just not doing the trauma work that I thought we'd be doing.  And I can't afford it.  I have also cut WAY back on seeing MaryAnn.  I saw her on Friday and I can't afford her either.  I'm going to see how things go without therapy for awhile.  We will see how it goes.

My dental work starts this month and that's going to cost a lot.  I'm going to focus on that.

I've also been looking for a part time job to help with my money situation.  I put in some applications this weekend.  It's depressing but what can you do?  I keep thinking this will cut down on my "social" time but I don't do anything anyway.  I'm almost always home. 

I've almost completed my "reading challenge" for this year.  I'm almost done with this book and then I'll have 1 more book!  This excites me.  :)

I don't have much to report right now.  Still kind of depressed but not as bad.  It comes and goes I guess. 

I guess I won't have much to report since there's going to be no therapy for awhile. 

If anyone is still reading, I can keep blogging.