Accomplishment

Thanks for all the positive feedback from the Alabama post!  That was SUPER hard for me and so many of you readers (you know, the 4 of you) reached out to me personally about it.  I'm very lucky to have a circle of friends who aren't into judging people!  (And my sister of course, who's view differs from mine but she's still very supportive of me and my thoughts.)

I had trauma therapy today.  And I'm ONE class away from completing foster care classes!

Today's focus was about accomplishments, where I see myself, what my "why" is, who I am becoming, etc.

You may or may not know this about me but..... I don't process things normally.  I don't take compliments well, I don't view accomplishments as accomplishments, I don't see healing where I should...you know, that stuff.

Carrie thinks it's a BIG DEAL that I'm finishing the classes.  I do not.  Look, I said I was going to do these classes.  I did it.  I'm almost done.  Here we are.

Evidently, I like to overlook the fact that these classes held some huge triggers for me; they are sad, heart wrenching and extremely depressing and I kept going.  I'll wait for your round of applause.  *insert smirk here* Why is this considered an accomplishment?  I said I was going to go, I went, and I'm almost finished.  Isn't this what people do?  I don't normally finish everything I start (I have a few chapters of a novel (I was writing) that I haven't finished) but this was something I physically had to do.  I felt like people (mostly me) expected me to be there and I needed to go.  I said I was going to do it, so I did.

The fact that I pushed myself past the depression, the sadness, the triggers...I guess it's a form of healing for me.  At least, this is what Carrie says.  I don't feel healed.  And I told her that.  This is a process and while I don't "feel" healed, the healing is happening.  Uhhhh, okay.  I just did the right thing.  NOT.A.BIG.DEAL.

I bet you can't guess what my goals are for the next two weeks?

I have to start a gratitude journal.  I have to write down things that I should celebrate and maybe I will start to see those things as accomplishments.  Even if I see them as a "win" or a "victory", this will be an improvement from where I am now.  And all I could think is; lady, I don't have the money to buy a journal right now.....

I also have to "think about" and process what my end goal is.  Who am I becoming?  Are my thoughts/choices aligning with who I want to be?  Or what I am working to become?  What does healthy look like for me?  What is my end goal?  What is my why?  Why am I doing this?

I'd like to not be in therapy anymore.  20 years of therapy and I am still going.  And I'm super hard on myself.  I have to work on this as well.  Anyyyyywayyyy.... my end goal is, well one of my end goals, is to be in a healthier state of mind so I don't have to see a therapist on a regular basis.  I'd also like ot get off medicine.  I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE taking medicine.

I'd like to form a healthy relationship and get married?  To a boy???  COULD THIS HAPPEN?  But I guess I have to work on myself first (and I'm super duper resentful of this but another blog...)

And I'd like to become a rockstar foster mom.  (Which, the jury is still out on if I'm going to do this....)

Things are getting better again I think.  Or improving.  I'm dealing with some serious anxiety about my trip next week.  I have someone new checking on my cats and that's slightly freaking me out.  It's always very stressful for me to leave them.  I'd just never forgive myself if something happened to them while I was gone.

Anxiety is high right now.  Mostly about my cats.  Seriously.  MY CATS.  Read that again people.  My cats.  *eye roll*

And regular stuff.  My flight.  Will I have enough money?  Did I pack enough?  Will I burn to a crisp on the beach?

I'll try to blog at least one more time before I go silent.

Alabama

I would like to post a general disclaimer to this blog.  This blog covers my opinion and thoughts on a very controversial topic.  If you think you might get angry or upset by what I post, I encourage you not to continue to read what I've written.  If you do...and you don't love me anymore...well, that's okay.  I still love you and I'll miss you in my life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can we take a moment and talk about Alabama please? 

I realize that this blog is about me and about my struggles/journey/victories/whatever but I’ve been thinking about this since last night.

It’s no surprise that this country is in TERRIBLE, HORRIFYING shape right now.  Politically, I mostly keep my mouth shut.  Most (if not all of) my friends and family know where I stand on important subjects.  We have open, honest conversations and move the hell on.  There isn’t much we can do to change how things play out.  Except vote.  VOTING is important.  But, that’s for another blog.

Last night, in foster class, while on break (and I was messaging my friend about her fabulous earrings), the girl who sits next to me (who is a weirdo but again, another blog) asks me if I’ve heard of the ban on abortion in Alabama. 

Why yes, honey.  I breath the air in this country and anyone who BREATHES AIR knows about the Alabama bill.

Here is where the shit show starts.  At least for me.

Weirdo girl: Did you see that they banned it for those poor rape victims?

Me: Do you know that less than 10% of women who are raped get pregnant?  And less than 2% of those pregnancies make up abortions?

Weirdo girl: Oh.  Well…those poor women…made to carry a monsters baby.

Me: Alabama can ban abortion but it doesn’t overturn Roe v. Wade.  They can go to other states.

Weirdo girl: How can they do that to the victims?

Me: Is it less murder in your eyes if the person is a victim? Because who are we to decide who is a victim and who isn’t?  I find it’s more socially accepted if said person is a victim of whatever, then simply a person who wants to exercise their right to choose.

Weirdo Girl: (makes small squeak)….

This is where it gets real awkward.  And I’ll spare you all the details.

But honestly people!  HONESTLY.  First, note of advice, do NOT ask the girl you’ve known for 5 whole weeks (a total of 15 hours to be exact) her thoughts on abortion.  Just don’t do it. 

I am extremely, extremely pro-choice.  And I understand that I live in a mostly Republican state.  This is why I usually keep these types of conversations to myself.  The amount of knowledge in my head about the affairs going on around me, would surprise most people.  I am a strong believer that if you believe in something, you should believe in it.  Know the facts, know the statistics, know where you stand and why you stand there.  “Weirdo girl” was educated last night on why you do not have these types of conversations with perfect strangers. 

Now, let’s talk about what’s so very wrong about this Alabama ban.  And this plays into my foster care classes.

Our system is beyond jacked up.  The adoption process AND the foster process in this country are hard.  Very, very hard.  And private adoption here is ridiculously expensive.  We are about to flood said system with more unwanted/unloved children.  A system that is bursting at the seams as it stands.  Too many cases, not enough case workers, not enough hours in the day, not enough pay, not enough, not enough, not ENOUGH. 

We’re deciding what do to with bodies that don’t belong to us.  How or Why is it any politicians business what I do with my body?  Or my time?  Or my money?  It isn’t any of their business.  This creates votes.  And we’re coming up on an election year with a country that is in shambles.

We’re going to go back to back alley abortions.  WOMEN DIED.  Legit, died.  They were denied health care after performing self-abortions so they’d bleed out or get horrible infections and die.  They’d go to “big cities” only to find some hill jack butcher who does a hack job for an unbelievable amount of money. Trust me people, I wrote a whole paper on this in college.  I’ve done my research.   The scene in Dirty Dancing is a real thing!

We’re sending mixed signals.  We claim out of one side of our mouth that all life is precious but we have a foster system/adoption system that begs to differ that fact.  We have children in border patrol dying that begs to differ that fact.  We have children being born into homes that doesn’t want them that begs to differ that fact.

We aren’t promoting affordable, accessible health care.  We aren’t educating our young people (girls AND boys!) about safe sex.  We preach abstinence but you can turn on any young adult show and see teens/young adults doing things we’re telling our children not to.  We live in a HIGHLY sexualized country.  Our music, our television shows, our books….

We don’t hold men accountable for these pregnancies as well.  What about the dead beat dads who don’t contribute to the life of their child?  What happens to them?

Agree with me or not, that’s fine.  I respect everyone’s opinion and have some friends who are pro-life for all kinds of reasons.  I get it.  We all can agree to disagree here.  On some level though, you have to know what is going on in this country is WRONG!  This isn’t a movement we want to get behind.  This isn’t even a movement my grandparents would get behind. 

Do you know that 1 out of every 4 women have had an abortion?  That’s your neighbor, the other mom in pick up line, your sister, your best friend, your daughter…. You know someone.  You love someone.  You care about someone.  Would your thoughts change if you knew?

Judge not yet ye be judge yo’self!

There is a movement now that I’ve noticed a lot of women are getting behind on social media (mostly Instagram).  It’s called the you know me movement.  And women are banning together to show support for the choice we’ve had for over half a century now. 

That being said, I was reminded today that this blog is about my journey and my truth. This whole Alabama ban is a huge trigger for me. 

I was 19.  I was coming out of a pretty traumatic, abusive relationship.   When you weight barely 105 pounds and you’ve been told for almost 2 years that this person cannot have children…and you end up pregnant…it’s shocking and terrifying. And you think of how this person has a child that they don’t care for.  And you think of how this person put you through some pretty horrific things, the only logical choice is to terminate. 

And I did.  And while you might think I was a victim (and maybe in some ways, I was), I made the choice on my own.  I paid for it with my very own money.  My parents were amazingly supportive.  I’ve never looked back.  I have a small amount of guilt but that’s because we live in a very shameful society.  I did what I felt was best for me, at the time. 

It’s not lost on me that I’m 40 now and have no children….and I’ve always wanted children but I still do not regret my choice.

I know mothers who have had abortions, in between having small kids.  I know mothers who have had abortions having older kids.  I know single people who have had abortions for various reasons.  These are people I love and people I care about.  And I will go down fighting for their right to continue to choose.

#YOUKNOWME

Foster Class - Part 2

After talking to my TT therapist, we decided it would be more beneficial for me to finish the classes.  I'm THIS close to just being done. 

Carrie thinks I will beat myself up and see it as a failure if I don't finish.  She's likely right.  This isn't class 2 I'm bailing out on.  I have 3 classes left.  (Well, four but one is a make up class.)

However, we both agreed that maybe I'll need to take some time between completion of the classes and deciding if I do indeed, want to become a foster parent.  

I still have a lot of trauma work to do.  And Carrie reminded me of that.  Maybe once I finish that and I'm able to put some things behind me, I can move forward with fostering.  

The thing I didn't tell Carrie is that I already feel like a failure.  For so many reasons.  I think she knows I feel that way because she gave me a lot of self love tips and told me to fall back on my mantras and positive things.  3 more classes. 

I did go to class last night.  And it wasn't bad.  But it wasn't great.  The stories about abused children just break something inside me.  It hurts my soul.  Hearing about a mother who commited felonious assault on her 2 year old (breaking his arm and collar bone) just...something inside me just...snaps.  I want to save the baby.  I want to punch the mother in the face.  I want to scream at the justice system for putting this baby back into a home where he was CLEARLY abused.  I'm happy he was removed and placed in a home where the parents love him but this boy didn't deserve that.  And he's the reason I want to foster.  

The problem is the system is SO JACKED.  And I'm not sure I can mentally do it right now.  

Anywhoooooo...  I wanted to update all of you.  That's where this stands.  3 more classes and I'm done.  

Then I'm disappearing for a week.  I will be incommunicado for 7 days.  I need this time to just...breathe and regroup.  

I love you all.  Thanks for loving me back.  

Foster Class

Sometimes, you just have to know when to stop doing something that is making you miserable. 

If you haven’t guessed by now, and you don’t already know, I’ve been taking foster care classes to become a foster parent.  And these classes are HARD.  I’ve done 8 classes so far (out of 12) and I’m not sure I can continue to go.

I know that 4 more classes don’t seem like that much (that’s 12 more hours) but I honestly think that it’s making my depression/anxiety worse.

I was doing very well with things (as well as I can) before classes started.  It seems like ever since I’ve been taking these classes, I’m super depressed and down on myself.  I can’t seem to shake it.  Maybe I jumped into this too soon.  I was feeling better about things and I was thinking I could do this.  Maybe I can’t. 

I need to really put myself first.  For a while I think.  I’ve never done that before and as usual, I put something before myself.  While I want to foster, I need to be in a better place before I can.  Crying on the way home from classes and feeling like I’m worthless just aren’t good for my mental health.  I’ve cried a LOT and been extremely down since I started getting into this.  The system is very broken and it isn’t set up for single people to do this. 

I know a handful of single moms who do this but they have a lot of support from family/friends that I simply just do not have.  Yes, I have friends.  I have some very amazing friends.  But my friends have their own lives and their own struggles.  We all barely have time to see each other, much less, asking them for help.  And the majority of family that would help me, live in Florida. 

This simply may not be in the cards for me.  And that brings a whole new wave of grief.  Things just seem to not be meant for me.  That is very heart breaking. 

I have trauma therapy today and I plan on discussing this with Carrie.  Nothing is final but this is the way I’m leaning.  Adrienne brought it to my attention this weekend and after talking about it (and thinking about it), things are worse for me.  I can’t hurt myself.  If I can’t help myself or put myself first, how will I ever help a child?  I won’t. 

I just need to focus on me right now.  I need to get through trauma therapy and get my mental health in a better place.

I will, of course, keep all of you updated.  I just need to put this out there…..ya know….for full transparency. 

Things have to get better.

(Thank you all again, for all the amazing support.  The amount of emails, text messages and phone calls after my last blog were really uplifting.)

Well....hi....

I'm sorry for the radio silence.  I've hit a serious rough patch and I'm super depressed.  I can't seem to shake it.  No matter how hard I try, I just feel sad and want to stay in bed.

I'm very discouraged by life right now.  I'm trying not to be but I am.  So, instead of fighting it, I'm trying to just feel the sadness and hope I can move forward.

I have to say, a big part of the reason I feel so discouraged is these classes I'm taking.  While I won't disclose what they are (just yet) here, I can just tell you that while they "say" it's fine for single people, it's obviously very geared toward a relationship/two person home and my dreams of doing something after this class are beginning to fade.  I wish I would've never started. 

I spent a lot of time over the weekend just crying and/or sleeping.  I know it's not ideal but when I sleep, I don't feel sad.  I don't feel anything.  I did zone out some and play Xbox but I mostly just slept. 

I spend a lot of time taking care of others but few take care of me when it comes down to it. I'd just like someone to show up for me.  Just once.  (Please know, the cards have meant a lot and that's not what I'm saying here!)

I watch everyone else's dreams come true and mine just don't.  Everyone says to work towards it.  To keep pushing.  I'm doing all of those things.  I'm taking classes, I've been on dating sites, I've done everything I know to do to make my dreams come true and nope!  Maybe things I want just aren't in the cards for me.  Maybe I'm meant to be single.  I should be the single cat lady!  At least Salem and Onyx love me.

I know I shouldn't question why but I do, a lot.  Especially this weekend. 

I'll be okay.  I always am.  I'll get through it, I always do.  Just know that I'm not ignoring any of you.  Your support has meant so much to me.  And it helps me during times like this.  I guess I just need to figure out how much more I have to push.  Or what I'm willing to let go of.  What dreams should just go away? 

I love all of you.  Thank you again for all your support and love.  Keep it coming.  I really need it.

Your depressed friend,
Susan