Accomplishment

Thanks for all the positive feedback from the Alabama post!  That was SUPER hard for me and so many of you readers (you know, the 4 of you) reached out to me personally about it.  I'm very lucky to have a circle of friends who aren't into judging people!  (And my sister of course, who's view differs from mine but she's still very supportive of me and my thoughts.)

I had trauma therapy today.  And I'm ONE class away from completing foster care classes!

Today's focus was about accomplishments, where I see myself, what my "why" is, who I am becoming, etc.

You may or may not know this about me but..... I don't process things normally.  I don't take compliments well, I don't view accomplishments as accomplishments, I don't see healing where I should...you know, that stuff.

Carrie thinks it's a BIG DEAL that I'm finishing the classes.  I do not.  Look, I said I was going to do these classes.  I did it.  I'm almost done.  Here we are.

Evidently, I like to overlook the fact that these classes held some huge triggers for me; they are sad, heart wrenching and extremely depressing and I kept going.  I'll wait for your round of applause.  *insert smirk here* Why is this considered an accomplishment?  I said I was going to go, I went, and I'm almost finished.  Isn't this what people do?  I don't normally finish everything I start (I have a few chapters of a novel (I was writing) that I haven't finished) but this was something I physically had to do.  I felt like people (mostly me) expected me to be there and I needed to go.  I said I was going to do it, so I did.

The fact that I pushed myself past the depression, the sadness, the triggers...I guess it's a form of healing for me.  At least, this is what Carrie says.  I don't feel healed.  And I told her that.  This is a process and while I don't "feel" healed, the healing is happening.  Uhhhh, okay.  I just did the right thing.  NOT.A.BIG.DEAL.

I bet you can't guess what my goals are for the next two weeks?

I have to start a gratitude journal.  I have to write down things that I should celebrate and maybe I will start to see those things as accomplishments.  Even if I see them as a "win" or a "victory", this will be an improvement from where I am now.  And all I could think is; lady, I don't have the money to buy a journal right now.....

I also have to "think about" and process what my end goal is.  Who am I becoming?  Are my thoughts/choices aligning with who I want to be?  Or what I am working to become?  What does healthy look like for me?  What is my end goal?  What is my why?  Why am I doing this?

I'd like to not be in therapy anymore.  20 years of therapy and I am still going.  And I'm super hard on myself.  I have to work on this as well.  Anyyyyywayyyy.... my end goal is, well one of my end goals, is to be in a healthier state of mind so I don't have to see a therapist on a regular basis.  I'd also like ot get off medicine.  I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE taking medicine.

I'd like to form a healthy relationship and get married?  To a boy???  COULD THIS HAPPEN?  But I guess I have to work on myself first (and I'm super duper resentful of this but another blog...)

And I'd like to become a rockstar foster mom.  (Which, the jury is still out on if I'm going to do this....)

Things are getting better again I think.  Or improving.  I'm dealing with some serious anxiety about my trip next week.  I have someone new checking on my cats and that's slightly freaking me out.  It's always very stressful for me to leave them.  I'd just never forgive myself if something happened to them while I was gone.

Anxiety is high right now.  Mostly about my cats.  Seriously.  MY CATS.  Read that again people.  My cats.  *eye roll*

And regular stuff.  My flight.  Will I have enough money?  Did I pack enough?  Will I burn to a crisp on the beach?

I'll try to blog at least one more time before I go silent.