Foster Care - Part 3

I did a lot of thinking while on vacation.  And I went over some of this with Carrie yesterday during TT.  It's been a rough week and a rough return from vacation.

I don't think that I can foster.  Which is devastating and I have cried a lot.  The way the current foster system is set up, it's almost impossible for single people (who have no close family) to be able to foster and maintain a job/life/etc.  There is ZERO support set up for foster families.  You can make your own support group, which is great but a majority of people have local family/friends that can help with doctors appointments, school, etc.  I do not have that.  Yes, I have friends but my friends are very busy with their own lives and likely could not help with the things I'd need help with.  I do not have a close local family.  I do have family here but it's most aunts/uncles/cousins that I am not at all close with.  My immediate family lives in Florida or in PA.

I also do not have the luxury of missing a ton of work.  I am my only income and while I do have some flexibility with my job, I can't miss a lot and I can't use up all my vacation time because that's just not fair.

The way the current foster system is set up; you have to do a wellness check with a certain number of days, you have to enroll them (or keep them in) school, you are responsible to get them to visitations with their bio family, etc.  While these things are totally acceptable and expected, you learn quickly that visitation with families can be at 12PM on Thursday and you have to take them out of school if they are school age and then take them to the visit.  Visits are done at the bio families schedule, not the foster parent or the childs schedule.  If they are currently in a school that is 20 miles from where they are placed, the system asks that you keep them in that school until the next enrolling school year.  Again, no assistance getting them to/from school.  If this child has therapy appointments every Tuesday at 3PM, you have to take them, no assistance offered here either.  I don't have the capability to do that at this time.  I am the only income in my household so if I don't have a job, I can't support myself and/or a foster child.

I went through 12 classes to learn that being single makes it almost impossible to do what you feel your heart is leading you to do.  I had my hopes set so high.  It's also another blow to my self esteem that you almost have to have a partner.  We all know how much I struggle being single.  (To my married friends, yes, I know....enjoy it...right?)

I spent my hour in trauma therapy yesterday discussing this.  And while Carrie doesn't want me to see this as a final no, it's hard not to.  I'm sure there are other ways I can help and I have think of 3 of those ways to help (by my next appointment), it's discouraging.  And to be honest, I'm really devastated about it.  These were some of the struggles that I dealt with while in the classes.

I did reach out to a friend yesterday to see if there were other ways I could help and she gave me some ideas that I'm mulling around. 

We addressed my negative thoughts in TT yesterday.  It's easy to get trapped in this negative thought process and things spiral from there.  It's something I have to be intentional to change.  There are literally pathways in our brains and I have to work on building new ones.  My negative thoughts have and were a coping mechanism, she feels.  It's sometimes easier to accept the negative and move forward, then to be hopeful when you grew up the way I did. 

This is VERY hard for me.  It's hard for me to be hopeful about anything.  I was hopeful about this (fostering) only to have it kind of smack back at me.  It's also hard for me to see other people having what I want, knowing that I cannot have it or I won't have it.  It's like the universe is playing some cruel joke on me.

Carrie feels this is where a gratitude journal would help, I could look at each day and see there were good things.  It feels lame to me.  I tried this once.  I felt like I wrote the same things down every day.  But, I guess I look at gratitude as something I'm thankful for...?  And she wants me to write down more of like, my wins for the day.  Like finishing foster class, my job review (which was yesterday and pretty freaking stellar), etc. I guess I'll start a "victory/accomplishment/win" journal. 

I have a few other things weighing me down.  My finances for one.  I'm living pay check to pay check.  My student loan debt is outrageous.  I'm paying like $600 a month.  And I'm in debt consolidation.  (Don't judge me...this is my blog about my truth, remember?  Just being real.) There is like $900-$1000 a  month coming out of my check.  I don't have a lot of money to do a lot of extras.  (Yes, I just went to Florida...what you don't know is that my second mom/adopted aunt paid a good majority of this because she wanted me to be there and I couldn't afford it.) (Yes, I'm going back to Florida in two weeks but I stay with my family and essentially only buy my plane ticket which I pulled out of my meager savings for.)

I just can't get ahead.  I thought things were getting better but they aren't.  I'm tired.  I'm tried of struggling.  I'm tired of being intentional.  I'm tired of trying to be happy.  I'm just tired.  I fell asleep by 8PM last night.  And it's not because I'm physically tired.  I'm emotionally tired. 

Things will likely get better.  For awhile.  They usually do.  And my pain and sadness will go away.  For awhile.  I'm working my ass off to make myself better.  It just doesn't feel like it's working.  I'll keep working. 

I feel like the only thing I'm good at in life is my job.  How sad is that? But, it's mostly true.  I go home, take care of my cats, read, clean up my house, go to bed and start all over.

I know you guys are probably SUPER tired of listening to me.  And of me being sad, depressed, lonely, etc.  I also understand that having a friend like me is hard and exhausting.   I appreciate you reading and supporting me.  It'll get better.

(This is real life with depression/anxiety.  Aren't you glad for the glimpse into my head?)