Weekend

It's amazing to me how things can just ruin my day.  Just instantly, I could be having a good or decent day and I get a little bit of news and my whole weekend is wrecked.

I can't mention any names but someone in my family is abusing drugs.  And it isn't who (some of you) think.  I have zero idea what to do about it.  It is heart breaking.  I'm just devastated. 

I'm working extremely hard to change my thoughts and my life.  I've been trying to make changes so I can do those things.  I was trying to put myself first.  And now I just want to run away.  I want to change my phone number, grab my cats and go.  Just change my life.  Like in a Nora Roberts novel.  Just leave, start over. 

I feel like I can't say what I want because this blog is public.  There is a reason it's public.  I want to help people but I also want to be open and honest. 

I'm tired.  I'm so very tired.  I want to hide.  I want to go to bed and never get out.  I cried on and off most of yesterday and wondered why I just can't have normal for once. 

I was going to start classes tomorrow for something I've wanted to do, for so long.  I feel like I can't.  My life is still in such turmoil.  I'm still in such turmoil.  I feel like I can't start a new chapter until this old one is somewhat cleaned up.  I feel so defeated.  And alone.  I know, I know, I have tons of friends and people that care about me.  I get it.  I know it.  It just doesn't feel that way. 

I know I'm talking in vague ideas here and I'm sorry for it.  I just needed to mentally dump somewhere. 

I feel very defeated.  I don't know how to combat that feeling.  I don't know what to do about classes tomorrow either. 

Why is life so hard?