Partial Victories

TT today!  And it went well I think.  We started on the second part of this - core beliefs.  It wasn't as awful as I'd made it out in my head.  But, it's still tough.  My core beliefs about myself are not so great things.  Don't worry, I'll list them here!  Transparency, right?

So, basically, we've taken my "relevant life history" and wrote out "key" points in my life.  Like family hardships, traumatic romantic relationships, etc.  You take this relevant history and it forms your core beliefs about yourself.  And......OUCH.

Some of my core beliefs about myself are:  Insignificant, insecure, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough and unattractive.

That's as far as we got today.  The next steps will be conditional assumptions/beliefs/rules and coping/compensatory strategies.  I took these worksheets with me in case I feel up to work through some of it on my own.

The first half of TT was a lot of checking in on the weeks she hasn't seen me and setting the "tone" for the next two weeks and things I need to work on, besides my Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram.

The tone for the next two weeks (things I need to focus on) are boundaries, mindfulness and celebrating small/partial victories. The partial victories is something I learned in my class last night.

Often times, we forget to celebrate small or partial victories.  We tend to (as humans) only celebrate once we have full success at something.  (Unless you're on a diet, then you celebrate EVERYTHING).  When you're dealing with trauma patients, children or adults, it's important to celebrate small victories, in the grand scheme of things.  Yes, celebrating the bigger things are just as important but milestones or partial wins are a good way to keep yourself motivated and EMPOWER you by changing your mindset.

Carrie loved this idea behind celebrating partial victories and decided to run with it. We went over some of my big victories this week and some of my partial victories.

A big victory for me was going to class last night.  I had pretty much talked myself out of going.  Considering some of the family things that happened this weekend, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and defeated.  I had told myself that it would do me no good to go into this class, I'd probably fail anyway so I'm not going.

I decided last minute that I just needed 20 seconds of insane courage and I could do it.  I got in the car and drove to the class.  As I sat in the parking lot, the same thoughts occured.  "Aren't you tired?'  "You can't do this."  "Go home."  Same self talk....20 seconds of insane courage and out of the car I went.

I can't tell you any more without revealing what my class is about (it is not mental health involved) and I'm not quite ready to reveal that here.  Just know, there are 11 more classes and I'm sure I'll talk about it more and more as the classes go on.  If you can guess the class, I'll send you....ummm... a hug!  Yeah!  Everyone likes hugs!  (If you already know, your guesses DO NOT count, obvi)

Carrie also brought up mantra's.  Mantra's are another way of changing the way we think.  And they feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cheesy.  I almost always roll my eyes when I say them to myself.  But, my mantra last night, helped me get out of the car and into my class.  (Thank you Lou Lou for the inspiration.)

Small victories for this week:
-Setting boundaries
-Putting my phone away to focus and practice mindfulness

I also have to work on saying what I want.  Like, she asked me "What time is better for you?  Noon or 1?"  I said "Either is fine."  Which isn't the case, I'd actually prefer Noon.  I could live with 1.  She forced me to say "I'd rather have noon." and I got Noon!  Why is this an issue?  Geez.

I am still a work in progress, obviously.  But, I feel better then I did a few days ago, or even a few weeks ago.

AND!!!!  Last but not least...to those who reached out to me after my last post, it meant the world to me.  It's been a hard week, for many in my family.  Today, some headway was made and it's a start.  Please keep my family in your thoughts, prayers, chants, rituals...whatever.  I love all my friends so much.  I'm very blessed to have you guys (the whole 4 of you that read religiously)

Until next time....