Diagnosis.

Let's talk about my diagnoses.  I'm going to be very transparent here. 

My first diagnoses was clinical depression which has changed names (same disorder) to now be MDD or major depressive disorder. MDD is basically a persistent feeling of a "low mood".  It isn't necessarily sadness, it's jut the lack of ... it's just ..  I don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel sad all the time but I don't feel happy either. A lot of times I just feel like I'm existing.  I feel happiness and sadness but they are usually fleeting emotions.  I have low self esteem, loss of interest in things, low energy.  I think you get the idea.  I am not currently suicidal.  And I would like to mention that I haven't been in a very long time.  There are times where I do feel like "What if I wasn't here?"  "I wish this would stop."  "Can't I just sleep forever?"  But I have no plans (nor intend to) to hurt myself.  I was diagnosed with this when I was 19 and I have been on medication and in therapy on and off ever since.

About 3-4 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD.  I'll address those diagnosis one at a time.

Anxiety:  I think this one is pretty self explanatory.  While anxiety is generally a normal emotion to have, mine can be a bit intense.  I often worry about things that are out of my control to the point where you can see the physical effect is has on me.  I'm often fidgety, my knee bounces a lot, sometimes when I'm super stressed, I withdraw or I count to calm myself.  A lot of it is internal (and I like to pretend that no one knows how anxious I am.)  Part of this is part of my major depressive disorder, part of it is from the "trauma" I've experienced; both as a child and as an adult.  I would like to put this disclaimer though - if you look up anxiety, there are many, many categories.  I do not have paranoia.  I don't hear voices or see things or think anyone is out to get me.  I mostly just worry about things that generally don't happen (like my cats are going to die this horrible horrible death while I'm visiting a friend for a few days and no one has checked on them in 24 hours) (or since "this person" didn't answer the phone and I haven't talked to them in days, they are either; dead, mad at me or abducted by aliens...) (And holy crap...this sounds like paranoia).  It's complicated, damn it!

PTSD: Post traumatic stress disorder.  This usually comes after a traumatic experience such as a natural disaster, abuse, rape, violence...

I'm still learning about this one myself.  And honestly, I have a hard time with this diagnosis. However, I know I have symptoms of this.  I seldom sit with my back to a door, I'm very aware of my environment, I monitor TV shows/movies that might trigger nightmares for me, I do have nightmares, etc.  (I am not ready to talk about what brought on this particular diagnosis publicly)

All of this plays into my depression.  And some of it stems from my depression, like the anxiety.

While I know that I don't have to explain myself to you or to any one, I feel it's important.  I'm trying to end stigmas, talk about mental health and over all, make myself feel better.  I do think this takes some type of transparency and vulnerability.  AND I HATE IT.  My mind tells me that I'm weak and a burden.  No one cares and I'm just whining.  I'm trying to end those thoughts as well.

Sometimes I cry for no reason, sometimes I am so tired, I go back to bed almost as soon as I get up.  I smile a lot and play happy but a lot of times, I'm just moving through the motions.  I'm very emotional and often take things extremely personally.  At times, I don't sleep well, I'm up and down.  Other times, I sleep for days.  I have a lot of pain sometimes which makes me extra emotional and sensitive. (Thanks fibromyalgia)   And sometimes, I'm completely "normal."  More often then not, most don't know I struggle with these disorders.  I play my cards close to my chest and share with those who are very close to me.

I get up every day (mostly) and go to work.  I put on my make up, do my hair, wear clean clothes...do my job.  I don't call in sick, I'm seldom late.  If I commit to something, I do everything I can to be there.  I'm responsible.  I pay my bills.  I take care of the terrorists that live in my house in the form of black cats.  My house is mostly clean, most of the time.  (Hide, bury, survive, remember?)

I live with these issues.  I take medicine.  I see TWO therapists now (I must be really nutso. 😊)  I refuse to take anything but my anti-depressant.  I won't take my anxiety medication (it sits in my "medicine basket" in my kitchen).  I won't take anything to sleep unless I absolutely have to.  I don't even take medicine for my fibromyalgia.  The doctor recently put me on a antibotic for my cystic acne (Seriously, I'm 40, the zits gotta stop man!) and I only take it because GIANT RED CYSTS on my face hurt really bad and are super embarrassing.  I tried an herbal supplement to help with this before seeking medicine and that backfired SO BAD.  (That's a whole other post)

I'm stubborn, what can I say?  I just HATE medication.  I hate even taking Advil.  But, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?  Beats the alternative.  (This is what I tell myself.)

So, there you have it.  That's my junk.  At least, my "official" medical junk. I just thought that maybe I should put it out there.  That's what is "wrong" with me.  But you know what?  It doesn't define who I am!  It's just part of me.  It's not ALL of me.  I'm funny and smart and funny!  RIGHT?!?!  I'm so much more then these disorders.

That's a little insight on my stuff.  This was super hard for me to post.  So, thanks.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for following along.