Mental Illness

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.  Now, it's been changed to major depressive disorder, anxiety and PTSD but I digress....

When I think of mental illness, I think of "crazy."  Therapists (and myself honestly) hate this term.  There really isn't such a thing as crazy.  But, I think of that word when I hear mental illness.  I think about people who hallucinate or hear voices or shout nonsense at random people.  I know most of the technical terms for those conditions now.   And none of them are "crazy."

I don't think of depression or anxiety as a mental illness, though it most def. is.  I get such an attitude when people categorize me in with people who have schizophrenia or bipolar.  I'm not saying ANYTHING bad about people who have these conditions.  I know people who do.  I just don't feel like depression or anxiety fall into this same category.

But, it does.  I have a disorder that impacts my mood, thinking and behavior.  This is no different then someone who has OCD.  Those people have excessive thoughts/obsessions that lead to compulsions.  I have a mood disorder.  I constantly feel sad and I focus on negative emotions and negative things I have experienced.

I look at things like this on a scale and I shouldn't.  On a scale of 1-10, depression seems much lower then schizophrenia.  If you think about it though, depression and anxiety can lead to serious issues, like suicide.  So, putting it down on the "lower" end of 1-10 doesn't always fit.

I guess this just all goes back to the stigma behind mental illness and how my very own brain has been conditioned to think something is worse then the other, when it all impacts our brains, our moods, our thoughts, etc.  The treatments are different but it's in our heads (as a figure of speech.)

I remember when my doctor put me on Prozac.  And how I cried and cried because Prozac is the CRAZY MEDICINE!!!!  There's even a sigma around the medicines that could help us.

I've actually had several discussions with my therapist (MA is what we'll call her, she's not the TT therapist).  I've argued my depression diagnoses.  I feel like I have more anxiety then depression but then...you know, she reminded me of the days (mostly weekends), I don't get out of bed, or I sleep 20 out of 24 hours.  And when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I vehemently disagreed. Then MA reminded me of the nightmares, the fact I only remember bits and pieces of a 2-3 year span, the physical things that happen when I try to get past this big T trauma....

You don't have to have served in a war to have PTSD.  At least not a war in Iraq or Afghanistan.  My war was here at home. 

Did you know that depression is the most common mental illness in America?

*Side note: I'm very blessed to have amazing friends during this journey.  You all have been so supportive!  The text messages and comments have blown me away.  Mental Illness (puke) makes me feel very alone and isolated.  It also lies.  The messages I've received have been so loving and supportive.  Some have even made me cry!  Thank you all so much!  From the bottom of my heart, I have so much gratitude.  Thank you for reading my ramblings and supporting me.  I'm speechless.*