Thursday

It feels like FOREVER since I last posted, when in fact, it's only been 7 days.  Hahaha. 

I had TT today and it wasn't too bad.  This is going to be a rough week (I will tell you why) so instead of continuing on the trauma train, we focused on my anxiety about this week and how to manage through it. 

Tuesday and Thursday are my classes - which no one has guessed what they are - but this week, we'll be learning about the different types of trauma.  And I'm DREADING it.  (And again, no these classes are not metal health related though they really seem to go hand in hand with my TT right now.)  I believe this week, we'll be starting on some of the heavier forms of trauma (not that there is any "good trauma") such as sexual, emotional and physical traumas. Some of the traumas have impacted me personally so I'm a bit unsure how I'll sit through 6 hours of class.

Thursday is Cindy's birthday.  Emotional week, all over the place. 

Today, Carrie and I focused on how to make a plan for the hard stuff.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have anxiety and depression.  Anxiety is high this week and it's only Monday.

So, I'll plan for the hard stuff.  I know that Tuesday/Thursday class could bring me anxiety.  What are things I can do to help me through the anxiety?  I can do the 4/7/8 breathing, or square breathing, or try to distract myself from my anxiety with visualization.  (All of these sound super hokey and lame to me.)  (I'd much rather count in my head)  (But I will try)

Another way to combat grief and/or anxiety about grief is to try to make it a positive.  Celebrate instead of being sad.  She suggested I do some of Cindy's favorite things such as; eating her favorite food or listening to her favorite music.  I'll give it a shot. I usually just go to the cemetery and give her flowers and yell at her for being dead. 

Then, there's the crying.  I HATE HATE HATE HATE to cry.  It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.  I'd rather cut my tear ducts from my face then cry in front of another human being.  Unfortunately, I have cried all too much in front of others (which is horrifying all by itself) so I'm even harder on myself now, when I cry in public settings.  I don't do well with sympathy or those "There, there" comments.  Yes, I've heard the whole "It's healthy to cry."  "Crying can be healing."  "Crying helps get your emotions out."  Get the...out of here.  Crying just makes my face red, my eyes hella swollen and my nose run.  I'm NOT a pretty crier.  And I don't do these dainty cries either.  Full blown, ugly face cry.  Every.time. 

Carrie pointed out that while I see these things in myself when I cry (the weakness, the vulnerability), I would never say these things to another person who was crying.  As a matter of fact, I'm a fixer.  I want to fix whatever is making you cry.  I want to cheer you up, make you laugh and punch whatever it is in the face that made you cry.  Sooooo, the million dollar question is why am I not this gentle with myself?  This goes back to how I talk to myself.  How I treat myself is not any indication of how I'd treat others.  Why do it to myself then?  Great question.  One that I don't have the answer to right now. 

Carrie also asked if we were an emotional family, growing up.   Uhhhh, I don't know dude.  (Which was my exact answer.)  I mean, I don't ever remember being told that I couldn't cry or have emotions.  No one ever told me crying was weak or that I looked bad.  I just remember that we always had to put our best face forward and keep it moving.  My childhood (while not all bad) was full of some traumatic crap and you just...you guessed it, buried and survived.  We didn't cry. We didn't complain.  Not much anyway.  We just buried and survived. We're still not big criers.  I didn't shed a tear at Cindy's funeral.  Or my dads small service we had.  I cried leading up to it.  Some in public, mostly in private.  I had to be presentable.  I had to be there for Cindy's kids, I had to be strong for my brother.  I had to go back to work.  I had to continue to survive.  You can't do that if you're crying all the time.  I did find though, that I cried about other things.  MINOR things.  I guess because I didn't heal or whatever. 

Crying is bullshit.

So, my goals for this week are:
-give myself permission to feel things even if that means maybe crying
-see things for how they are (maybe this will help with less anxiety, instead of building things up)
-work on my self talk, think of how I'd talk to others and try talking to myself that way
-continue to work on mindfulness
-allow myself to make a plan for "hard" days and/or weeks
-ask for help

I'm super anxious about this week.  About Cindy's birthday.  I did take a half day off work on Thursday so I can go to the cemetery and do my yearly ritual.  Flowers, some tears, yelling and leaving. Then, I'll likely come home and emotionally try to prepare for class. 

Maybe I'll try celebrating her life.  Though, I have to be honest, that feels.....wrong.  But, I'll give it a shot.  Try new things, right?  Working on myself, right? 

Blech.