Survive

I had this huge post written out and I deleted all of it.  It felt...unnatural.  Since I'm all about being organic and transparent, that post didn't make it.

I was going to write this post about trauma therapy, my time line and try to give more information but that's not what today is about. 

Side note: My sister mentioned last night that she'd never heard of trauma therapy (and honestly, neither had I) so I searched around and found this great article that tells about it and the different approaches.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm not sure what today is about, except I'm tired and not feeling this whole positive, crunchy vibe I've been projecting.  I feel weepy and tired.  I want to cry and sleep and just feel sorry for myself.  I posted this morning on my Insta about being enough.  I am enough.  Even on days that I want to be sad and kind of depressed, I'm enough.  I'm allowed to have down days.  I'm allowed to be emotional.  I just can't stay in this spot. 

This is usually how I feel the day after TT (trauma therapy, because who wants to type that out every time?).  I feel tired and emotional and spent. Even though I felt great yesterday afterwards, I had time to think about it, blog about it and sleep on it.  I didn't sleep well. 

My standard response to "Are you okay?" (which I've already been asked) is always "Yep, just tired."  I wish people knew how much "just tired" encompassed.  In all honesty though, do people really care how you are?  Are they genuinely asking or just asking to be nice?  What would this person say if I said something like "I had therapy yesterday, it was really hard and I'm feeling it today"? 

There's still such a stigma around depression and mental illness. I try to be honest and transparent in my journey to eliminate that stigma.  I'm just a person who struggles with a few extra emotional things.  I'm not sad all the time, I'm not suicidal (mostly); I just struggle.  As a society, we treat people with mental illness like lepers.  In a way, however, society has made us the way we are.

We aren't taught to heal.  We aren't taught about self care.  We're taught to keep moving.  I saw a post about this on Instagram and saved it to my phone.  This sums up the view on mental illness so perfectly.

I can't tell you how many times in my life that I've been judged for being on medication or seeing a therapist.  "Why can't you just feel better?"  "Why can't you just get over it?" "You have a good life, you should be happier." 

Why have these things never occurred to me? (Insert eye roll here)   I've even said these things to myself.  And it wasn't until recently that I was asked a different question...a question that stopped me in my tracks. 

WHY SHOULDN'T I FEEL THIS WAY???  I've had some BIG trauma in my life.  I've dealt with things most people haven't.  Why shouldn't that impact me?  Would we tell someone with diabetes to just man up?  Eat better and you'll be fine?  How about someone with glasses?  Why don't you have perfect eye sight?  Why can't you see? 

I get it, I hear you....people with diabetes and people that wear glasses are born with these conditions or these conditions develop over time.  Or, they've inherited it.  I hate to inform you....mental illness is very much the same way.  It's inherited, it's conditioned, it's something that develops over time.

I've buried.  I've kept moving.  I've never dealt with the pain, or the loss, or the grief or the TRAUMA (I hate this word, it feels so weak).  I've survived.  And I've done a damn good job of surviving.  But at what cost?  What has this survival cost me?  Has it cost me relationships?  Yes.  Has it cost me Joy?  Yes.  Has it cost me my health?  In some ways, yes.  As I mentioned yesterday, all this has seeped into every faucet of my life, in one way or another. 

In my valiant effort to stop the stigma, it's time to heal.  It's time to put me first.  It's time for change.  It's time to teach myself that I'm important.  It's just time!!!!